The Blame Game and Problem Seeking

Over the past few weeks this whole concept of blame and moreso why we spend so much time and energy looking for blame has been on my mind. I think we live in a society that devotes an inordinate amount of time on finding blame. Is this human nature or something that we've developed as a society? I'm not sure and actually just asking the question falls into the blame game trap. While it may be important to understand why we are where we are at to fix it, we can't dwell on it without looking for some resolution. Why do we find it so important to find blame and/or seek out problems?

I've noticed for myself that when I first meet people I take note of all that I connect with and their endearing qualities. But as time goes on I start to notice the flaws, the warts if you will of the friend. Maybe we all do this not just with people but situations as well. During my time in studying and learning about homelessness and hunger I have found myself questioning why I put that energy into finding the problems or figuring out who to blame. It is has become an area of personal growth for me to focus on finding solutions and reaching out regardless of blame.

I touched on this before but the Jesus that I worship and try to follow didn't put any qualifications on those he ministered to. He simply cared, healed, loved and ministered to anyone who opened up their hearts and some who didn't. It wasn't an application process, there was no looking for blame or trying to find a scapegoat, it was simply doing what was right because it was right. When we start putting qualifications or judgment on our actions for others it becomes quite hypocritical. Since we all sin and fall short of the glory of God, we could all be judged and left. I'm a competitive person and like being the best at what I do but no matter how hard I try there is always someone better at whatever that skill or talent may be. If we really look at it we can all fall short compared to someone, somewhere. It is fruitless to beat myself up because there is someone better out there. When I change my focus to just doing what is right, doing I'm called to do, suddenly there is freedom and hope in my attitude and outlook for myself and others.

I've been reading comments from those who were not Obama supporters gloating in the lack of success or support he is receiving in recent polls. I know that the same things were being said when Bush or any high profile figure has their public image fall on hard times. I think it is sad that we celebrate the failures or perceived failures of others. Regardless of whether we agree with policy or behaviors of others, we should want them to be successful as that means success for everyone. I am trying to change how I look at these situations. If I disagree with a policy or opinion but the decisions follow those policies, I'm trying to have an attitude that I want them to prove me wrong and hope that their decisions are successful. Instead of waiting for that moment when I can blame those who disagreed, I want the best to happen for all involved.

As I head into my first year as a principal I have put much thought into what kind of leader do I want to be and what kind of school do I want to be a part of. I know very well that it is easy to get disgruntled with students and parents who do not share my values or approach to education. With all that it is my hope that we have a school that gives every student an opportunity to reach their highest potential. We may not be successful, no we will not be successful 100% of the time. There will be those students who we don't connect with or refuse to see the value of what education brings to their life. However, there may be that one surprise that changes a life. I know that if we don't make that effort, that student will not succeed.

I am far from perfect from living this life. It is much easier to say than to do. My challenge to myself and to both of you who read this is to work at not looking for blame but looking for answers. Give those, even those who you think deserve the fate they have in their lives, a chance. Take time to care or make a difference for others without consideration of why they are in this situation but do it just because it is right.

Radically Different

As I prepare to start The Do Something Walk tomorrow some thoughts come to mind. I have heard and experienced a great deal of support from so many and it has been overwhelming. There are those who are supportive to a point but also question why you would help those who don't seem to be helping themselves and made poor decisions to create their situation. I'd like to talk about that today.

You know there is a logical, human side that says those folks are right. Sometimes people have made decisions that have created at least a portion of their problems. Sometimes they don't do things to dig themselves out of that hole. That is all true for some people. Logically we can say that we shouldn't help people who are making these poor decisions or aren't meeting us half-way to change it. I am sure that has been my mentality for more situations than not. However, I think the love that Jesus taught us is radically different.

Does it really matter that folks have made poor decisions? We all make them and have had to deal with the consequences of those decisions. Does that mean that we should not lend a hand, help, be compassionate? My thinking now is we help regardless. I'm called to make a difference, bring hope to others without condition. I truly believe that. Jesus hung out with those who made those poor decisions, who weren't meeting him halfway, who even scoffed at the thought that he was the Savior. Yet, there He was in the midst of all those people. In fact, the righteous, pious crowd was somewhat mocked and scorned by Jesus because of their hypocritical lives. Now there are no promises that our efforts, care and concern in these situations will permanently change the lives and worlds of those who are hurting around us. One thing is for sure, if we don't make that effort their is no chance for change, at least by doing something, even for those who seem undeserving by human standards, there is a chance of change, of hope, of a better world. If we look at this from just our human view then it is easy to ignore that pain and hurt. We can blame the people for their choices to create that situation. We can say I'll be here when you move my direction. Jesus never waited for that, He went into the crowds, He didn't judge but forgave, He didn't put conditions on the forgiveness and grace, He just did it.

This radical thought process has really hit me the last few weeks. I've looked into the eyes of the homeless and there is this blank, dull stare in the front but deep in the back of the eyes is a flicker, a dim light of hope. It is my passion, my goal to find a way to bring that light of hope to the front of their gaze. There will be failures and God-willing successes on this journey. The issues we can choose to be involved in are endless and all of them have merit. Mine is no better or worse than the others. It just happens to be my passion and for once in my life I'm choosing not to sit back and hope someone does something. It's time for me to do something. I like being a radical even if this isn't how I thought of it in the past. When we wonder why a foreclosed house is such a disaster and curse the fact that someone would let that happen, I think we need to think how we would act if our lives seemed completely hopeless and lost. Would cleaning our house or any menial task seem worth it at that point? I think not. It's easy to judge those people and situations, God knows I've done it a hundred times, but the radical thing to do is go clean anyway. It's a huge paradigm shift to think that way. To think, wow, they messed up and are doing nothing, I think I'll go help. WHAT! I firmly believe that if we can shift our society to that way of thinking, we will radically change our world in a powerful, positive way and there will be far less people with these needs and far more people changing our world for peace, hope and love.

My challenge to you is find your passion and don't just express it but do something. Maybe it is just a visit, maybe it is volunteering, maybe it takes 5 minutes, maybe it takes 5 days, maybe it seems fruitless or meaningless, maybe it seems overwhelming and daunting...do it anyway. We all have the gifts to do something. I've tried to find some deep, theological Bible passage or sermon type thought but it really comes down to this..whatever you do for the least of these. So go, do, be it, live it!

The Do Something Walk - Diary #1 - Fear and Doubt

I have been struggling lately with the fact that I can't get an interview for a principal's position, let alone a job. It has caused me to feel fear and to doubt my own abilities. My confidence has taken a hit and I fear that I am not good enough to be what I thought all along I wanted to be and have worked so hard to be. This self-doubt and fear was put into perspective the other day in a powerful way.

A week ago I did a 20 mile walk from Milaca to Mora and little did I know the stories I would hear along the way and how they would change my view of what fear and doubt may be. Along my journey I stopped at a convenience store in the little berg of Bock. While I was sitting at the table having a beverage and a snack the woman who was clerking at the store sat down with me. She asked me what I was doing and I explained to her about my walk. Then she proceeded to tell me her life situation. She is a single mom with 3 kids who are 12, 7 and 5. Her hours at the convenience store have been cut from 40 to 15 hours a week. She makes $150 every two weeks plus gets $700 child support each month. Her family lives in a 2 bedroom 1970 trailer that they rent for $450 a month. This remarkable woman shared with me how she is doing everything she can to give her children a chance to be involved in school and community activities but it is tough to pay for all the fees and for the gas to get to these events. She was worried how she was going to pay for the gas to get her daughter to softball in Hinckley.

Two hours later I stopped in Ogilvie at the Double J Cafe to eat some lunch. While sitting there waiting for my food the waitress began to chat with me. I was asked about my walk and told my story. After I had finished talking about the walk the waitress talked to me about her two kids, both in their late 20's, who were jobless and now living with her. Her son had been living in a car with his pregnant girlfriend and another child. She lives in 3 bedroom, 2 bath trailer with 12 people now residing in that home. She has her trailer paid for but is seeing the financial stability she once had eroding away as she supports two more families living off the wages she earns at a small cafe in rural Minnesota.

The next day Esther and I drove back to the mechanics shop in Milaca where we had left our car to be repaired. While I was waiting for her to check out the car and make sure everything was working properly a gentleman who was sitting in the shop began to strike up a conversation. He asked if I was the guy doing the walk. After visiting about that for a short time he proceeded to tell me how he was a plumber who had been out of work for 10 months. The guy who owned the mechanics shop gave him odds and end jobs to keep him going. This man told me how thankful he was for the friends who had kept him going this past year. In the midst of his worry he was still able to be thankful.

I share these stories for a couple of reasons. One is the perspective that they gave me on my own fear and doubt. I have so much to be thankful for and my worries are miniscule in comparison. These people have real fears and real doubts yet they keep doing all they can to stay positive and to provide for their families. They understand that there are those in situations that are more dire than their own and they want hope for those folks. I got the impression that they vacillate between being hopeful and being overwhelmed by the depth of their problems. It has to be an exhausting life.

Second, I was moved by the fact that just in this one day walk I was able to hear the stories of three people who, while not homeless, related to the situation of those who are homeless. Homelessness is closer to home for all of us than we probably imagine and the issue is getting bigger each day. The agencies I am connected with for the walk have shared how much the need has increased the past year. In a survey done a couple of years ago the estimate is that on any given night there are 9,000 homeless people in Minnesota with 3,000 of those being youth. I am quite certain that when the new survey being done this year comes out those numbers will climb. This walk and this problem of homelessness may be more powerful than I had imagined. The fears and doubts I have about my career and about being able to do this walk are melted away when I look into the eyes of those that have life to fear and doubt in a far different way than I can imagine. I am a believer that we will be provided for and the God I worship and praise will see us through this seemingly endless abyss. However, it is also easy to see how you can doubt when placed in these circumstances of life. Please pray that we can be people of hope, not doubt and fear.

A few thank yous and the latest itinerary to follow. Also, a plea for some help with support team members for the journey. Thank you to Nathan Kopka for the use of his Kamelback, the folks at Calvary for your amazing support in prayer, money and words, the Carlsons for the anti-blister stuff, the Ruds for the reflective shirt, New Pathways and Face to Face for their trust and support in this endeavor, and to my wife and daughters for believing, sacrificing and supporting me as I get closer to the insanity of this walk. I am sure I am missing a few but as the time goes on I will continue to try and acknowledge all those who are making a difference. Oh, a thank you to those folks who shared their stories on the walk and to Lynda Hanni, an old classmate from high school, okay old was the wrong word there, who graciously sent a check for the walk. VERY COOL!

Final Itinerary will be sent in a separate email and Facebook posting.

Peace,
Dave

The Wonderful Contradictions of a Grace-Filled, Merciful Life

2 Corinthians 6:3-10

We are putting no obstacle in anyone’s way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we have commended ourselves in every way: through great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, holiness of spirit, genuine love, truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; in honor and dishonor, in ill repute and good repute. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet are well known; as dying, and see—we are alive; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

This was one of the verses that was read in church today and it really took some meaning as I reflected on the past month on my walk today. There has been so much life that has happened that has been, I guess, bittersweet from a human perspective but wonderfully and inexplicably rich in beauty and grace from a faith perspective. These contradictions are a constant in life I've come to believe. I'd like to share a few of those moments.

*A friend and colleague from my real estate days loses her battle with cancer after beating it a couple of times in a miraculous way. There is so much to celebrate about Judy's life and I think most would agree it was a blessing for her to join her Maker and end the suffering. Still, there is a hole and an energy that is missing for many lives that Judy touched in a powerful way. The celebration of life and yet the loss of a loved one.

*I did not get my coaching position back and felt hurt, disappointment and confusion in a way I have not experienced often in life. However, I have a job when others are struggling to find one and it is a good one. I have come to understand that while I don't understand the decision I am in a better place and will be in a better place as a teacher or administrator next year. Disappointment and peace of mind happening in one decision.

*I was called by the daughter of a woman from our church a few hours before her mom passed away losing her four year battle with cancer also. Jenny had written a note that she wanted me to sing at her funeral a song she had heard me sing a few months after she was diagnosed with cancer. The joy of knowing that somehow God used you to touch the life of someone without knowing it yet singing it again at a time to say goodbye.

*Saying goodbye to friends and colleagues whom I have the utmost respect for. Some have jobs, some don't. Celebrating the incredible teachers they were, the students whose lives were impacted greatly and yet seeing the look of uncertainty as they packed up their rooms for a job unknown.

*A toast to my coaching colleagues and friends to bring closure to a difficult time and to give us all a chance to move on with dignity and respect. As I and I believe others I worked with struggled with how to deal with the disappointment for those who were not hired back and yet celebrating those who deservedly got the coaching positions we couldn't find a way to move on and to somehow be real with all those feelings. In a moment of bravery and/or stupidity I brought sparkling grape juice to a meeting the last day and we toasted what was, what is and what is to come for all of us. A tearful moment for me but a necessary action for me to find closure and healing for all the things that happened this past year. It may or may not have been a good bye as we don't know how our paths will cross in the future but at least we can say it's okay either way. I don't know if it meant anything for others but it meant a great deal for me. A strange combination of tears and peace.

*Two friends are celebrating Father's Day today who have recently lost their fathers. They are both wonderful dads themselves and must be going through a mixture of feelings today. Celebrating a life with their own fathers, celebrating the joy of being a father themselves and yet knowing they will never celebrate Father's Day in the same way again.

*Celebrating our 25th Anniversary on June 9th and spending a fantastic weekend on the North Shore. Amazing to think that 25 years ago Esther and I were married and began a marvelous, incredible journey that has incorporated everything that passage from Corinthians mentions. It has not been easy, nor has it been perfect. We/I have struggled, doubted, wondered, and all those other emotions that put a strain on a relationship. I am not an easy person to live with. I am married to a woman who is the definition of compassion and grace and thank God for that. There have been a few moments along this journey where in the heat of the moment and emotion I questioned whether this is where I want to be. What it really comes down to is God brought us together and I believe that with all my heart. 25 years from now I can think of no one I would rather be with than my beautiful bride from that day. Marriage really encompasses all the wonderful contradictions of a grace-filled, merciful life doesn't it?

*I spent Friday visiting a homeless shelter for families with young children and a shelter for young people who are living in different forms of homelessness. What a life-changing experience. There was this rush from the incredible work these shelters and the people who work and volunteer there are doing to change lives and yet the sadness of knowing what a great need there is. The needs keep growing and it is impossible for these agencies to keep up with the demand. Through all that, their heart for the people and families they are serving is unbelievable. These places totally were embraced by these contradictions. Lives that are so indescribably different and difficult in comparison to most of ours and yet the gracious, forgiving love and service that others are giving is overwhelming to observe. I could write a novel on the small amount of time I spent there and it made the walk I'm doing take on a whole new significance and meaning. They are going to be wonderful partners in this walk.

*Last, it is Father's Day. I can say with all honesty that there is no greater joy or moment of pride for me than being a father to our two incredible daughters. You could take away pretty much everything in my life, all my possessions, all my friends, everything and as long as I have Rachel and Emma, I will have everything I could ask God for. I thank God that they have taken on so many of their mom's wonderful qualities and a little bit of my adventuresome spirit. A friend once told me many years ago before the girls were born that he has never experienced God's unconditional love like he did when his children were born. I totally understand! I had a great father to model what it means to be a good dad and today I got to celebrate with him, my mom who has made so many sacrifices along the way, my two daughters and my wife of 25 years. Seriously, can it get any better than that?!! No contradictions here, just a tearful moment of joy for the thrill of being called DAD.

So why do I write all of these moments down. It has really been drilled into my heart this past month that these paradoxical life moments are all around us. Yet God is present in all of this and that becomes more apparent with each passing moment. His grace and forgiveness and the beauty of all this, even the painful, ugly parts is truly amazing. I guess all I can say is no matter where you are at with life and faith please know that you are loved, forgiven and His grace and mercy will be with you no matter. You know the shelter with these high school kids that are doing anything and everything to survive in life is exactly the kind of place Jesus would be and is. You know we suck at forgiving ourselves and sometimes others. We don't always see the eyes of Jesus in ourselves or others we meet. We don't have to...it is not up to us to forgive. God has done that for us. We are called and given the gifts to celebrate that for ourselves and those around us. The two parts of the verse that I leave you with is we are sorrowful yet always rejoicing and we have nothing and yet have everything. We live in a human world and that brings sorrow and empty feelings but we have the greatest gift with us all the time that allows us to rejoice and have everything.

Passion and Compassion

I've been pondering passion and compassion lately. It dawned on me that many people have passion or passions that bring out the strongest of emotions and sometimes actions. Maybe all of us have passions that we pursue through study or recreation or hobbies or volunteerism. I have mine, too many for sure and they are ever changing. My thought on this was that passion without compassion can be quite dangerous.

Why would I say that? If we look globally we could say that many of the fanatical, militant religious groups have passion. I don't think there is any denying that the degree of their passion is deep, to the point of giving their lives for their cause. Al Qaeda is a group of people who have passion but not compassion. I think there are many groups of people or individuals we can think of who have passion but not compassion. I would argue that they are maybe our most dangerous entities in our society.

What about people that have both? Martin Luther King, Jr. was the first person who came to mind. His passion for civil rights and the beauty of all peoples was evident in all he said and did. Imagine if his passion for these rights came without compassion. Instead of the power and beauty of non-violent protest it would have undoubtedly been replaced with a hatred and violence we maybe have never experienced. In fact, within that same era could we not say that the KKK operated with the passion but not the compassion and yet King's vision and compassionate approach to protest was far more powerful, meaningful and history changing. When I think about the people who have truly impacted our world in powerful, long-lasting ways in my lifetime, they are models of people with passion and compassion. Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and MLK were people with a passion but a heart of compassion to go along with that passion.

Even when we look at issues that become passionate in their polarization of peoples we can see the impact of people who are passionate with and without compassion. Abortion is an issue that becomes quite emotional but regardless of which side you are on it seems that those who share their passion on the issue but do it with compassion for all involved in those decisions have the greatest impact. Those who deal with it without the compassion end up doing more damage literally and figuratively for their cause or passion.

So I'm sure you get the point now but how does this impact us personally. I think we can bring it down to how we treat others and how we react to our passions. When I reflect on those times when I have struggled the most or not handled situations well, it can usually be traced back to the times that I handled my passion in a selfish way, without compassion for others involved. The times when I have felt most impactful and I guess closest to what I believe God called me to be were when I looked through the lens of the others involved and compassionately put myself in their shoes. Wisdom and understanding guided my actions and words then.

I'm going to try and be more intentionally compassionate within my passion areas. (Not sure how you do that with BBQ but I'll figure something out!) I have had many opportunities in the past few weeks to do this and I'm afraid I've failed miserably on too many occasions. What if we all moved to a compassionate mindset? Imagine the impact we would have on those around us. Now I don't want you to think I am against passion, far from it, my passions guide me and bring me to new journeys and adventures that provide me opportunities to grow and positively impact those around me. However, if I do not pursue those passions with compassion then that passion becomes a liability.

Simply Thankful

This will be short and sweet today but I have had so many beautiful friends show their support and love after the last blog that I had to stop for a moment and give thanks. Many a tear of joy has been shed while I have read your wonderful comments. You know the past few weeks I have felt alone and was questioning the support and friendships at work in particular. I certainly have been reminded how many people are really the friends everyone should have the opportunity to experience. A friendship that brought a lot of this on and was going through a struggle is now moving forward and reconciliation and healing that was prayed for is happening. And so I simply tell all of you...

THANK YOU! I AM ABUNDANTLY BLESSED AND PRAY THAT I GIVE AT LEAST A LITTLE OF THESE BLESSINGS BACK TO YOU.

Entitlement and Grace

As I have reflected on the past couple of days the word entitlement has come to mind. It unfortunately or maybe fortunately is a word that is quite humbling for me now. Friday I found out that I was not hired back to be an instructional coach for next year. (I do have a job as a 3rd grade teacher and I am very thankful for that.) This decision hit me hard. I was hurt, angry, confused and felt I had been wronged. I believe that I have done a good job this year, not a great job, but a good job and had support from principals and teachers to build this belief from. So when I was informed that I was not chosen it was a shock and something I had not prepared myself for. I had a gut feeling that this would happen but still had a belief that I was entitled to that job. There is plenty more background to this process but really it is not important. You have enough for me to move on to the crux of this message.

I have read a number of articles the past couple of years speaking to the generation of 20 and 30 yr old folks who have this sense of entitlement. I must say I have experienced that and I guess had a feeling that I was above that. How wrong I have found that to be now. You see I reacted in anger feeling I was entitled to this job. Yes, there are pieces about it that puzzle me because I've never received feedback indicating that I was doing anything wrong or was not effectively doing my job. So I felt that I was entitled to this job. Last night it dawned on me that I was wrong to feel that way. Maybe, just maybe, they hired someone who is better qualified than I am for this position. Maybe this is not where I am called to be and how I deal with it will be more important than the position I have. I get to trade the dreaded endless meetings of the coaching world for the dreaded correcting of papers of the teaching world but I get to be with kids and how can that be bad? I am not usually someone who builds himself up, in fact it is usually the opposite and I am tearing myself down. I am a competitive person however and not liking to lose brought out the worst for me.

You see my sense of entitlement created a situation where I was not able to handle this in a positive way at the time. I am human and there is still some hurt and a level of uncomfortableness/embarrassment within my workplace but I must see it in a different light. This sense of entitlement is also an indication of a lack of trust in the fact that God has a plan for me. I get the opportunity to work with a principal who I have heard is wonderful to work with and learn a new grade level. I do love learning new things so that works well. I am very grateful that I have that opportunity as I have friends who do not. I recently completed my principal's license and will continue to search for a leadership opportunity.

I'm not usually the share a Bible verse type on this blog but my favorite verse came to mind today. Romans 8:28 - God makes all things work together for good,for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. I know that there is a plan and that I have been blessed with gifts that can and will make a difference especially for young people. It is a passion of mine. Oh, I wish that calling would be more clear on days like Friday and I wish I was wired differently so that it didn't seem so personal but that is not the case. This is who I am and I have finally learned to stop apologizing for that fact. So I ask for your prayers that I continue to grow through this and gain discernment as to what His plan may be. As usual perspective is everything and I was reminded right away of the pain and suffering others are going through. My plights are nothing in the big picture. His grace has been abundant and for that I am very thankful. May God's peace be a part of your day and week.

Third Day - Take it All

A Random Smattering of Thoughts

This will truly be a random smattering thoughts. Hopefully something here will connect with your inner soul or maybe it will be well...just a random smattering of thoughts.

Blessings
I started this week perseverating (my new favorite word) on the craziness of the situation that is my job. It was bothering me and I found myself bogged down in the ridiculous pieces that exist there. Now, there is reason to be confused, frustrated, uncomfortable, etc. but I was letting it dominate my demeanor and attitude. While driving to work on Tuesday I decided I needed to change my focus and started listing my blessings. I actually started listing the blessings on a piece of paper. Physical evidence of all I have to be thankful about and let me tell you there is much to be rejoicing over. What was truly amazing was the difference it made for my day and week. It changed my whole week. The focus was on all that was good around me and I was showered with even more blessings. Perhaps we all need to take a step back from time to time and just physically acknowledge all we have to be thankful for. When you are having one of those days or weeks give it a try. We all have those moments.

Forgiveness Pt. 2
While chatting with a friend about some things she shared this, "I feel like I am being judged. Also I feel lately my ghosts in my closet are telling me I am not worthy of church. Yes, that's wrong I know. I can't even begin to go there, forgiveness is hard to grant to myself." I have to say I have had those same feelings at different times in life and maybe still do struggle with the being judged and not forgiving myself stuff.

Anyway, here is my response and I think it sums up the forgiveness part much better than my blog a week or two ago:

That all makes sense, actually. I have some of that going on also. This old fart isn't judging you and feels you are very worthy. Those who feel that others are not worthy are the ones who aren't. The beauty of forgiveness is it doesn't come from us, it comes from God. We suck at it. Now I know we have to reach a point in our lives where we accept that forgiveness. I think the two toughest parts of forgiveness are being able to forgive others and being able to accept forgiveness. The easy part is asking for forgiveness in my mind. I believe our friendship is a great example of doing all the hard stuff in forgiveness.

It's tough to get rid of those ghosts isn't it? I wish I had the magic answer for that. I don't know if this helps or eases the pain or forgiveness but please know my view of you is as unconditional as I can humanly be. I don't want you perfect and certainly can't be judging anyone with my own ghosts. Doesn't make you or me a bad person, makes us human and real which is exactly the people Jesus hung with. You are fully accepted and loved by me just as you are, warts and all.

Okay, I'm done. Just want you to know that no matter, you have someone.

I think, at least in words, that is the best I can explain my view of grace and forgiveness.

Woo Hoo!
On Friday I had my exit interview for my principal's license. It went exceptionally well and I am very excited and relieved to be done. This has been a long 4 year journey for me. Thousands of others have gone before me and it's not like I cured cancer but because of all the trials along this journey this was extra special for me. Who knows if it will actually lead to an administrative position but at least I have a chance and I am going to do all I can to help it happen God willing. Thanks to Esther and the girls for putting up with me and supporting me throughout all this. Three years ago I was out of education and ready to give up and now I'm as passionate and excited as I've ever been about the power of education and the opportunity to someday be a leader of a building where that is the purpose of its existence.

The Do Something Walk - A Walk to Make a Difference for the Homeless
I don't have all the details worked out yet but from July 17-27 I am going to walk across the state of Minnesota to raise money and awareness for homelessness. This is in response to a challenge put forth by one of the young people in our youth group at church. We were chatting about homelessness and this young lady stepped up and said, "Are we just going to talk about it or are going to do something about?" So we started doing something about it, we started a coffeehouse where we are raising money and goods for a homeless shelter and food pantry. Now the youth group is heading out for a mission trip/youth gathering trip to New Orleans during the same days of this walk and I decided I needed to step up and do something.

There are approximately 9,000 homeless in Minnesota any given night and approximately 3,000 of those are kids. The literacy rates are alarming amongst those folks and it is my hope to tie in the fundraising to providing some funding for tutoring and mentors for the education piece. I am still working with a couple of agencies to get it all set up and have a website for people to donate to. I'll give you the details when I have them. Meanwhile, please pray that it will all come together and that I can make it! If you are not the praying type then do what you can to send good karma or good luck or best wishes or whatever it is you think I need. Also give thanks that I have a wife who didn't look at me like I was crazy when I mentioned this idea. (Yes I get the you're crazy look plenty of other times.) I have received a lot of positive feedback about this and I'm honestly very excited about it. It combines many of my passions: homeless, walking, music, education, and exploring. I admit I've had dreams of the scene from Forest Gump where he is running across the country and thousands end up joining him along the way but then I remember how much I hate large groups and it turns into a nightmare so I'm looking forward to the alone time! More later, please pray!

Walking Music - 5/7/09

Trust it Will Not Fade

I wrote this poem the past couple of days. I have been listening and reading many comments from friends who are quite concerned about our world and fear it is all going to hell. They are worried about our government and disagree with the lack of religious beliefs being reflected in policies and legislation. I don't want this to become a political debate really. This is more reflection on the paradox of wanting faith to be reflected in our political realm but not really wanting faith to impact our personal realm. I don't necessarily agree with my friends on their politics but that is okay. I have no problem having discourse on the issues that exist and maybe having to agree to disagree. That's healthy in my mind. I don't have all the answers and don't understand it all. I also don't want to discount the concerns that exist in our society and world. They are very real and need our actions and prayers. I hope this at least gets you to think, question, wonder, pray. My personal growth area is to move beyond words to action. I'm pretty damn good with words but without action, really what is it worth. We seem to forget that Easter and all its promises are still here. Yes, concern for others and the world around is valid but we must never forget that our God is bigger than all of this. Not sure about the title but I'll go with it anyway. If you have suggestions or comments I'd love to hear them.

Trust it Will Not Fade
The plights are all around us
Doubters still preside
Many reasons to wonder
How far will we slide?

Hear the religious question
They all look for blame
Excuses for no action
Heads all hung in shame

To recognize the problems
Is just fine and good
Without answers or solutions
Couldn't, can't be could

Look to laws to legislate
Long as it's not me
Don't put my faith in action
Laws can set me free

Limit God is all we do
Promises He made
His plan it is still perfect
Trust it will not fade

Walking Music - 5/02/09 Pt. 3

Walking Music - 5/02/09 Pt. 2

Walking Music - 5/02/09

I am going to start a new segment of the Dysfunctional Guy Blog and that is putting a video or two of the songs that really resonated with me on my walks. I'll have to practice with this but hopefully I'll get it down. This first song is dedicated to a dear friend who found this song meaningful during a difficult time in their life and it is their birthday today! This one's for you AB. It's also a song that has been powerful for me at different times the past few years. I love the visuals that were put to this song even with the Portuguese subtitles.

The Art of Forgiving

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. It's occurred to me that we spend most of our time talking about asking for forgiveness but very little time in discussing the art of forgiving. I truly think it is much easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to be forgiving. Why is that?

I'm sure it is different for everyone and our individual personalities play into how forgiving happens. Also, the action that requires forgiveness must be taken into account as there are some levels of hurt that are deeper than others and require a greater level of forgiveness, at least in the human sense. That being said, for me at least, the easiest part is asking for forgiveness. I have no problem acknowledging my own faults and taking responsibility for those actions which may have hurt a friend along the way. It is much tougher for me to really forgive those who may have a need to ask forgiveness of me.

I think the most difficult part of forgiving is actually giving that person that needs forgiveness the freedom and space to move on, change, grow and learn without the doubts or fears that whatever their transgression was will appear again. That is just plain hard. We naturally have doubts about their sincerity of asking for forgiveness or their ability to actually change. Isn't it sad that we expect people to apologize and ask for forgiveness but we fail to put the expectation on ourselves that we then need to forgive and let these people know that they are forgiven and we will proceed forward forgiven?

Another piece to this puzzle is being honest and forthright with those we feel have hurt us or made us feel uncomfortable. We expect a change or an apology to happen yet the one person we haven't addressed this with is the one person who has created these feelings. How can their be forgiveness if the issues that exist have not been dealt with directly? I am so guilty of this, having expectations for an apology but not ever talking to the person directly about those issues that exist for me. When I put the shoe on the other foot and think about the times that my friends have not addressed me directly with their issues or concerns and the hurt that comes from that, I realize how many times I have done the exact same thing and how much hurt I must have created in that process. Yes, being told your faults straight up doesn't feel great but in the long run my experience has shown that it is the best way to move to forgiveness and reconciliation so that a healthy friendship can continue to grow.

So here are my steps to being a good forgiver:

1. Be honest and forthright. Forgiveness only happens when the people involved know what it is that needs to be changed or what the feelings are behind the need for an apology.

2. Acknowledge that the person has asked for forgiveness. Nothing worse than asking for forgiveness and owning your faults and having that ignored. Doesn't mean you have to forgive at that time, it may take time to get there, but acknowledge that you have heard their apology.

3. Give the person apologizing the space and trust to change and be forgiven. MOVE ON!

4. Let those people know that they are forgiven when that time comes that you can forgive.

5. Be aware that you have the tougher job - forgiving. You have to work hard at it.

6. Pray!

7. Think of both sides of the conflict. What is it you can do to make this better?

That's it. I don't know that there is anything magical or even research based on this. It's just my observations. I have vowed to work hard on this in my own life as it is an area that needs great growth.

Last, I would be remiss if I didn't think about the forgiveness that is given me daily. I am a sinner, everyday. I happen to believe in a Lord and Savior who forgives me graciously, mercifully every moment. If we need a model on how to become a great forgiver we need to look no further than Jesus Christ. His ability to minister and care for all, even those who needed the greatest amount of forgiveness is the perfect design. Sin wasn't measured and forgiveness wasn't given in doses but it was all encompassing. I find it interesting that just like with my friendships it is much easier for me to ask for forgiveness than it is for me to accept the forgiveness freely given me. Hmm...that might be the next step, we ask for forgiveness, then the tough part of being a forgiver but perhaps the most difficult part is accepting forgiveness. Well, I need to go ponder that now.

Listen

Lately, I've decided I need to take time to listen. I am a visual learner and a very visual person in general. I think most of my colleagues would define me as perceptive because of my visual dexterity (if there is such a thing). This gift is what got me through college the first time (it certainly wasn't my study habits) as I could remember what was on a chalkboard (yes this dates me I know) from the class. I'm thankful for this gift but have found the last couple of weeks that I need to take time to listen.

I am also a person who processes ideas and thoughts out loud many times. I need to talk it out and hear it before I can put it into a well-thought out idea. I'm used to talking or singing out loud to help me work through things. But the time has come to shut up and listen.

There have been some situations in my life lately that have required me taking the time to listen. In these circumstances I certainly have wanted to grab others and share my side of the story, the rest of the story if you will. I wanted others to know for some reason but the reality is it wasn't an action that would fix anything or make anyone feel better. It wasn't going to be done out of love but out of selfishness. In fact if I had talked more it would make these situations worse in many ways. So I have learned and experienced that I needed to take time to simply listen.

During this time of the year around our house the swamps are full of frogs. In the evening there is a cacophony of sound that is deafening as you walk around our land. I love it. The other night, the stars were filling the sky and this incredible rock concert volume of natural sounds surrounded the evening air. It was powerful and yet peaceful at the same time. While going for my walks each day I've enjoyed hearing the sounds of the geese, ducks, robins, red-winged blackbirds and so many other varieties of wild life. I have also taken time to listen closer to my music. Closer to the music and the lyrics to really hear the message, feel the message as I listened.

Along with being more mindful of all that nature and music have to listen to, I've tried to be a better listener with friends and family. Less interruptions, less finishing others thoughts but truly just listening. I am surrounded by so many wise and wonderful people and I needed to and have been spending more time soaking it all in and learning. I have also consciously decided to take time to just be by myself and listen. This has at times been lonely I won't lie. As I'm driving home there are many times I wanted to grab my phone and talk with a friend about different things but decided I would just listen. This has been a real time of growth for me and I have come to cherish that time to listen.

I have a professional decision to make in the next week and a half. Now I am very thankful that I do have a job for next year and have many friends who don't have that security. But I do have a decision to make. There are a number of personal and professional factors involved in this decision and I was getting a bit stressed over it based on these factors. Finally, I listened. I need to listen to God's call. The correct choice for me, and I'm thankful I have a choice, is going to be revealed to me not by my own worrying or talking, but by what I am called to be. So I am taking time to listen to God. This decision needs to be one where I listen and don't force or talk my way through it.

My other situations are no different. I need to listen, to my God, my Creator, my Peacemaker and let Him be a reconciler, healer and guide. If I do it myself with my words then it will certainly fail.

I have to tell you this period of time of listening has been incredibly powerful. It has refocused me and put my focus and visions in the proper place. Not everything has been answered and sometimes there is noise that gets in the way. I have become a believer in listening and need to continue to take time to grow in this way. I am thankful for the visual gifts but God has called me to make a difference and I can only be what I am called to be if I am perceptive AND listen.

My challenge to you this week, take time to just listen. Don't talk over it, through it or let anything interfere, just listen. Last piece here is another lyric from Third Day. I think all of this we are talking about with listening really comes down to just being yourself and letting God do His work with you by listening and then responding to that call.

THIS IS WHO I AM - THIRD DAY

I'm a son of a good man
I'm the child of an angel
I'm the brother of a wild one
And I'm looking for direction
I'm the lover of a beauty
I'm the father of blessings
I'm a singer of a love song
But is that all I'm good for

This is who I am
This is who I am
So take me and make me something so much more
This is who I am
This is who I am
So change me and make me someone better than before

I'm a saint and a sinner
I'm a lover and a fighter
I'm a true believer, with great desire
I'm a preacher of grace, prophet of love, teacher of truth
I've fallen down so many times
But here I stand in front of you

Take me as I am
But please don't leave me that way
'Cause I know that you can make me better than I am today

Really Random Good Stuff

This will be really random today but I have a number of tidbits, if you will, that are screaming to be let out. I have had two great days this week and so much that has had meaning along the way. Thoughts from others that were impactful (yeah, I made that word up) and reflections that hit home for me will be shared in this rather dysfunctional collection of thoughts.

Part 1: I have to start with some writings from Esther's (my wife) cousin Tim. Before I share those I have to share how Tim and I connected. I have probably met Tim once or twice in person. We have stayed connected via the wonderful world wide web. I believe our first meeting was at Esti's sister's wedding. For those who know me well, you know that I abhor going to large social events. I just really don't like large social gatherings of any sort, including weddings. (Sorry Mark and Heidi, love you guys but I didn't want to go to your wedding.) For those who don't know me that is probably surprising. I just prefer small, intimate gatherings. Anyway, I digress. So I went to this wedding begrudgingly and had just a pis poor attitude about it. Well, to make a long story short, Tim and his brother and Esther's brother and myself hit it off in a rather, large obnoxious way. I don't know if I have ever laughed as hard for as long as I did that weekend. We were entertaining to say the least and probably borderline for admittance into the mental health ward. So that is how I met Tim and here is what Tim shared after my last blog about hope and the poem on the Beacon of Hope:

For somewhere, out there, beyond the rocks, yet beyond our reach or understanding is the shore. And the shore will bring (or seems to for me anyway) a grounding, a renewed sense of peace, that builds us up. Up to face the the next challenge, as we move on, ever forward, ever a part of building the kingdom. Truly a part, although we may not see or understand it for a long, long time. Stay the course! People see your path, and appreciate it!

I hate it when people write it better than I do..ha...isn't that powerful?! I love it! He captured it so much better than I did. I honestly don't know if my blogs or poems have meaning for anyone other than me. It is cathartic for me to write this stuff but I don't have a clue whether it is any good or has any real power to it but I appreciate Tim's input and support for this endeavor. After some back and forth emails Tim finished with these words of wisdom that are well worth sharing:

We tackle what we can, pray for help\wisdom\guidance, laugh a LOT, and look for how we can help others.

That is it in a nutshell for me. Thanks Tim!

Part 2: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. - Marianne Williamson

I've used this quote before but had lost my focus on it until recently. It is so powerful and really describes my struggles and my hopes. Lately, I've been focusing on filling out applications for principal and assistant principal positions. As I was on my walk tonight it dawned on me that this is the perfect answer to the question that asks why I want to be a principal. Isn't this what we want to happen for our children, for our friends, or as a principal for the teachers, students, everyone who is a part of the educational community. Really, who are you not to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Oh how easily I lose sight of this in my own life. That fear of being powerful beyond measure is so real. Bringing those expectations upon ourselves can be downright scary. What if we fail to be that? The reality is if we believe we will fail, we will fail. But if we believe that we are to be all of that, wow, what an impact on our world.

So, as I said the past two days have been really good. I have had the opportunity to have some meaningful impact with teachers and students in the schools that I serve. It has been gratifying and energizing to feel like my gifts have been used to make a difference as cliche' as that sounds. In the midst of some of the chaos and uncertainty that exists in our schools there was a feeling of accomplishment and knowing that we have students who are worth all of our efforts regardless of circumstances. It has been really powerful to be able to help others see what a gift they are whether they are secure in their jobs or not. They have significant work to do for young people who are worth them using every ounce of their brilliance and talent on and that is true, positive power. The power that Marianne Williamson talks about. I've been preaching about hope in my last few blogs and I have really been experiencing it as I was working and at home. We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same has been so true this week.

Part 3: On a personal note, and I'm not a big fan of personal notes but I'll go out on a limb. Part of my good week has been feeling as physically healthy as I have felt in a month or more. After a weekend of feeling as sick as I can ever remember feeling, it is so fun to feel energetic and alive again. I have lost 10 lbs in a week and now only have 20 more to go to reach my goal and get my girlish figure back, which I haven't seen since who knows when. I've been exercising regularly and eating fairly well, well since I went a few days without any meals when I was sick.

Along with that, I have to tell you that I really believe for the first time since I began pursuing a principal's license a few years ago, that I really feel ready. I believe that I am going to get something for this fall. I know it probably won't be in my current district but I do believe there will be opportunities that will be a fit and that my belief in all those things in that quote above will put me in a position to get hired. Now the beauty of it for me is if this doesn't happen, I am okay with that. I love what I'm doing and God willing will have the opportunity to work with these wonderful co-workers again. There was a time when I was desperate for an administrative job and I really would take it hard when it didn't happen but now, I'm very much at peace professionally. Along those lines, I came into one of my schools this afternoon and there was an envelope in my mailbox. In that envelope was a letter of recommendation from the Social Worker in that building. Totally, unsolicited and a most gracious letter. He wanted people to know that he thinks I should be a principal. I was blown away. I don't usually like sharing these things but I have been so deep and dark on this blog that I wanted people to see this side of me. Thanks Jerry! You have no idea how meaningful your actions were today.

Speaking of co-workers, a couple of them have listened and counseled me a number of times when I've had some struggles and questions with myself. Which is pretty much 24/7. They both are very wise and are wonderfully frank and honest with me. I love it, I really do. Both mentioned the need for me to take care of myself FIRST. I don't do this well and not sure I believe in it but I get what they are saying. If I'm not healthy, happy, beautiful, brilliant and fabulous how can I really have the impact God has given me the gifts to have. That being said, I have discovered again for the 1,000th time, that my most content, peaceful moments are when I'm caring for others, building others up, focusing on others' needs. Thanks to you Kristina and Michelle for your honesty, time and caring. You do make a difference.

Part 4: Okay, this is the last part as this blog is already a marathon. I feel very hypocritical when I blog, especially about faith issues. You see it is much easier to write or sing about it than it is to live it. Who am I to write about these things when I do such a poor job of living it? I hate hypocrits but I find myself being just that. I hope the two or three people who read this understand that I don't share as an expert or a person with all the answers. Far from it, I have far more questions and so much more to learn before I am an expert. It struck me as I was walking tonight that actually we are all hypocrits to a degree who profess a faith of any sort. None of us live up to that which we profess. We are human, sinners, and the reason for our faith, our God is so that we have that forgiveness, grace, mercy poured upon us to move forward.

I have had a great week but there are many around me that are hurting, uncertain, searching. I have relationships that still need healing, answers to questions that are still missing, and areas of life that still need prayer and peace. There will be down days ahead, days that aren't as hopeful as I'd want all to experience daily. I don't have all the answers and certainly don't follow my own words of wisdom (?) well but there is hope in all this and I have experienced it again through so many others this week.

Beacon of Hope

As I was pondering my last blog on hope, a vision of being up at the North Shore, out on the big lake, lost in the fog. What once seemed hopeless soon became hopeful as the dim light of a lighthouse brought the promise of life. It became an analogy for me for what God has promised to us even in times that seem so bleak. So I wrote this poem, kind of one of those poems that may have more meaning for me as I see it in my mind and relate to it well. Not sure if it will connect with others as well.

Beacon of Hope

The fog is all around
No sign of peace in sight
Turbulent waters crash
Tirelessly pounding down
Hold on in this turmoil
Hope is a distant thought

Vaguely in the distance
A dim reflection seen
Straining eyes to focus
Calming seas steady me
The Lighthouse of Life shines
A Beacon of Hope Reigns

Hope is All That's Left

I won't lie, this past week was extremely long, emotionally and physically draining. A number of my teaching friends/colleagues found out they would not have jobs next year. They face a very uncertain future in a job market that can only be described as bleak for many and that includes education. This bothered me, really brought me down as I see these wonderful people and great teachers trying to struggle with the unknown.

I looked into the tear-filled eyes of a dear friend only to find out that I was at least a part of the reason for the sad eyes and hurt. A friendship that I cherish is riding through turbulent waters and it hurts. Something I can't control now and can't fix and that is troubling.

I was as sick as I've been for years. Went three days without a meal and if you know me and how I like to eat, you know something wasn't right. (Great start to the new diet though and I've lost 8 lbs this week! A little silver lining there I guess.) I don't handle sick and being out of commission well and I spent too much time sleeping and dealing with other bodily functions.

All of that was plenty to put me in a funk and then this morning we were heading to Palm Sunday Service at church. I again have to be honest, I don't usually like Palm Sunday for some reason. It seems like we trivialize Jesus' journey and make it into some type of ticker-tape parade. The reality is this was a journey into excruciating pain, disciples turning their backs on the man they proclaimed to believe was Christ, a ruler trying to be right and told by the crowd to ignore what he saw as right and crucify this man. This was a trip on a donkey to death. A most painful, unjust, but life-changing, world-changing death.

So I went into this service with many doubts and just a bad attitude. Well God loves a challenge evidently as this worship was truly powerful. We traveled with Jesus through this journey to the cross in a very powerful way. One of the talented men sang Were You There first with harp and piano, then just harp, and the final time without accompaniment. It was moving to say the least. The story came to life, the reality of what it all means was very present. I left understanding the pain of the sacrifice to come but also with the hope of what Easter means.

I took a Lenten journey this week. The pain was evident all around me. Hurt could be seen in so many eyes. (I use the term sad eyes for my friend and today after church a friend saw me and said that I had sad eyes today. Kind of blew me away that someone that sees me maybe once a week and doesn't know me that well could see that and would use that exact terminology.) I had to wonder what was there to cling to? What can I do to make a difference with this hurt? Where can I go to find that hope because for many, hope is all that is left and even that is questionable.

I found some of that hope in a couple of places today. As my daughter Emma leaned into me at church and placed her head on my shoulder and looked in my eyes, I saw hope. The beauty of all that is right was reflected in those eyes and her knowing smile. A friend/colleague whom I have the utmost respect for was reflecting with me on some things and wrote, "I'm sorry you have lost a friendship, but I trust that honestly, God's plan is a perfect one and it will all work out in time and in His way." Wow, that is hope and she is spot on with that. The worship service today talked of a painful journey but pointed us directly to a cross that will soon be empty. Taking on all my sin and all my pain and bringing a promise of never-ending love, forgiveness, grace and mercy. I have started going for walks down our wonderful, quiet, tree-lined road in front of our house and saw God's beauty and hope in so many places. Serenity even. As I was walking I was listening to my long lost i-Pod Shuffle that has a lot of music from my favorite group Third Day on it. I could post a bunch of song lyrics here. I have done a few long ago on my blog. Every time I would think yeah this is it, I'll post this and then another would come up and I'd go no this one. I'll leave you with one of my favorites when I'm done here. There were so many songs that touched upon my search for that hope. It was really an inspirational walk.

So, yes, sometimes hope is all that's left but I think that can be enough. I don't have a lot of answers, still have some sad eyes, still hurt for those going through tough times and for severed friendships but I have a God, a Savior, a Christ who suffered, died, rose again for me, for you, and loves us no matter, forgives us no matter, pours His grace and mercy upon us no matter, and that is hope and hope is all that's left no matter.

This song has ministered to me in times when I have really struggled. Really speaks of where our hope comes from.

"Mountain Of God" by Third Day

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Hope and Thankfulness

I've been in a funk the past week or two. Can't explain it all but for one reason or another I've been riding this rollercoaster ride of feeling down and feeling at peace. No consistency. I can figure out some of the reasons but to be honest some of it is too personal to share in a public forum like this. The real core of this though lies in spending too much time focusing on myself. I had vowed to give up selfishness for Lent but have failed the last couple of weeks. Today I finally slowed down enough to reflect on some things and to realize how much I should be focused on all those things I can be thankful for and to realize that hope is a trait I need to, how can I put this, surround others with, radiate, I think that is the word. I need to radiate hope and be someone who positively impacts others.

While I sat in my self-created pity party the past couple of days all the energy I had was used to look at my own deficiencies and doubts. My schedule and life have been very hectic during this time in the past two weeks, some of which I had no control over and some I created for myself. It became habit to reply to people and bother friends with my struggles instead of using that energy to listen and care for them. This is not my norm I don't think but I've been in this rut for awhile now. I honestly have not liked myself lately and yet, failed to make those changes necessary to bring that peace back. I become sarcastic and lose my sensitivity to others needs during these times. My sense of humor becomes cutting and hurtful. When this self-absorbed Dave takes over all of the parts that I find to be not attractive surface. It is so very hypocritical of me. Then I get bothered by how I've let people around me down or worry about others perceptions of me. It ain't pretty.

Today, as I was sitting in my office at church getting some organization done and chatting with a friend in Fargo talking about the flood, it dawned on me that this is not who God has called me to be and not the Dave I want people to see or know. I came home and walked around our beautiful home and took time to notice all the beauty of creation that surrounds me daily. I had been so buried in my work, watching TV, Facebook, etc. that I had failed to notice the wonders of the people and nature around me. So it is time to blog about the those things, those people, those moments that I have been blessed with. It is time to realize the hope that is present even in these trying times. It is time to be someone who lives compassionately, who lives positively, who lives to change his world around him in a positive way.

This is already long enough but I want to thank those friends that I work with who have so generously put up with my moods, listened to me, built me up and admonished me when necessary. I am truly blessed with so many friends who allow me to be me with all my quirks. Lord help me to understand and accept that so that I may be "real" all the time and not worry about what others think but only about what You think and what You have called me to be. My family is truly amazing. They bring smiles to my face. My two daughters are the most beautiful people I could have ever been blessed with. The list could go on and on. I have tears in my eyes when I think of all those important people. I can only hope and pray that I may bring you the joy and friendship that you give me. To those of you who read this and that I work with...THANKS! I have one very dear friend that I don't think reads this and to you a special thank you. You will never know what your friendship means. Nobody has allowed me to be me better than you and challenged me to be positive about my own self-image better than you.

My friends there is hope. I see it in the eyes of the young people I get to work with each day. I am surrounded by amazing people with amazing gifts who insist on making this a better place. The youth that I work with at church are changing our world. They are feeding the hungry, clothing the homeless, and sharing their lives with friends in need. How powerful! In the midst of flooding, economic woes, and world unrest it is easy to focus on all that is wrong. I am a believer that the real miracle is that during all of these difficult times it requires us to become better neighbors, less selfish, more compassionate and brings about the real beauty of those around us. There is really hope all around us. God has promised us just that. When our focus leaves our own needs, our fears, our greed and looks to others then we can have the eyes of joy and hope. As Easter approaches we need to remember the promise that was kept on that cross and by His resurrection. Our needs will be met, our fears relieved and our greed will turn to compassion. We need not worry but work diligently towards listening, following and believing in others, ourselves and our God.

Now it is time for me to listen to these words and live it myself. Won't you join me?

Paradox of Life

I've been challenged with the many paradoxes of life both personally and more globally. One day a couple of weeks ago I received the news that the 3 yr old son of friends has terminal cancer and very little hope for recovery. The very same day a friend and colleague donated a kidney to her sister-in-law and saved a life. It seems when we look at our life these contradictory stories surround us. Certainly in my faith walk there are stories and struggles that relate to all the paradoxes of the Bible and God's existence. Give up your life to get it, love your enemies, the list is endless in this realm. I need more time to dwell on this and to really reflect on all the pieces of life that fit into this paradigm. I'm guessing almost all of it does. With all of that instability how do we find a solid foundation and remain controlled through it all? How do we seek and accept that wisdom and find the internal peace that provides us perseverance and understanding to remain hopeful? Don't really know to be honest and I don't feel like I'm very successful at attaining those lofty goals. I admire those that are able to live that way and have the self-worth to go confidently forward.

As I was driving to work this morning a poem came to mind that reflected on my own personal paradoxes. It is kind of dark and heavy and would maybe give the impression that I am not happy but that is not the case. I just sometimes find myself in this state of mind and needed to release it so I wrote a poem, yeah, while driving down a very busy highway at an illegal speed, but goes to show you can be stupid, dangerous and reflective at the same time. Isn't multi-tasking a gift? Anyway, here it is in it's original form...which means it might need work but here's what I got so far.

Paradox of Life

Feeling trapped within these walls
They're invisible but still
The boundaries surround me
Created by my own will

The beauty of the sunrise
And the wonders of each soul
Do not go without notice
Yet still this cavernous hole

People all around my life
Friends are abundantly found
With all of this I'm lonely
Seeking a fulfilling sound

There are so many answers
Plenty of pathways exist
The journey still continues
All the questions still persist

Perspective Amongst Commitment and Money

There have been many thoughts and ideas that I've been reflecting on for the past week. I was ready to blog on the evils of money and then got on a tangent about commitment but have found that there is perspective to bring all of these pieces together.

Two events that happened in the small town I live in brought to life the evils of money thoughts for me. One had a former sheriff swindling an elderly gentleman out of a large sum of money. The other had an elderly couple brutally murdered over a financial contract gone bad. I know or knew many of the individuals involved in these tragic events. The men involved in both of these incidents in my opinion based their entire self-worth on money or the image of having money. I could go into more detail but I think that suffices for where this blog is headed.

Commitment became prominent in my reflections when I was writing a letter to the families at our church where I serve as the Youth & Family Minister. While writing this letter the concepts and thoughts about how commitment is a two way street came to light. Commitments that have only a one-sided effort soon fail. This is true in relationships with friends, spouses, colleagues, jobs, children and our Maker. I must admit this piece is very self-damning for me as I believe this is an area I fail at all too often in too many ways. For whatever reason I had never thought of this commitment needing both sides to be involved for it to truly be a commitment.

As I stated earlier money and commitment were going to be blogs unto themselves and maybe will be sometime in the future but I have something more positive, more important for what makes life significantly different. I need to tell you about my experiences from yesterday to lay the groundwork for perspective.

I am working on getting some finances put together so that I can simplify life and get out of a business I am part owner of. In order to do this I have been relying on my wife and father to get paperwork into the bank. For a variety of reasons this has taken a great deal of time and when it did happen it wasn't the right paperwork. I didn't handle this well yesterday and frankly I just got pissed off at the whole situation. So I came home to sit in my own pity party and just to be mad at the world I guess. As I was stewing in my own frustration I received word that the 3 year old son of friends that I had taught with was found to have a brain tumor. This young man has been battling cancer for a couple of years and looked to be beating the odds of his cancer when this setback occurred yesterday.

This hit me unusually hard last night. I cried and then reflected on my own self-pity party. How pathetic to be honest. Perspective is everything. Here I was upset because something didn't happen in MY time and as I wanted it. (And yes, it involved money and in some ways commitment. Pot meet kettle.) Suddenly none of that mattered. My friends were dealing with the possibility that their son may not live and at the very least was going to be dealing with a major surgery, more chemo and a life turned upside down once again. I still was fighting tears most of the day thinking about it.

What does all this mean? There have been many events happening around me that have caused me to take a step back to gain perspective on what really is important and to be thankful and yes hopeful about what life has in store. With the happenings in the little burg I live in, friends all around wondering if they have jobs, little Owen fighting a tumor once again and just being amidst the doldrums of winter I have found perspective and hope. Peace is still something I seek but isn't as consistently a part of my being at this point. All of this has reinforced how thankful I should be daily, hourly, every second. For most of us, if we open our eyes and hearts to the world around us we can find others in a situation more stressful and more painful than our own.

We need to remember Whose we are and that we have been promised to be loved, forgiven and surrounded by grace. Our perspective needs to look at others with compassion. A compassionate heart lets us be grateful for all that we have been given. Now we are human, we have bad moments, bad times and there are things like Owen's illness that make no sense and cause us to stop and ask why. That is okay, that reflection helps us to see life in a very real way and helps us to reach out and make a difference for those who are in circumstances that don't make sense and cause pain. A commitment was made to us by Him who died on the cross. As we enter Lent on this Ash Wednesday it is a time of reflection and a time that we uncomfortably focus on our own sinfulness. We are there, no one more or less than the other in reality. We need to make that commitment a two-way relationship. That is where the idea of fasting or giving up something for lent comes in. It's a commitment to a God who has promised to never let go of His side of that commitment.

The last part of the perspective is we can't just stay in Lent. Lent only prepares us for the real Gift. Easter is coming, the resurrection, the redemption, the ultimate commitment, greater than all the money in the world. Forgiveness and love have never been expressed so completely, so majestically. If it hadn't happened, if there was no resurrection, our world would have been just as radically changed as it was radically changed with it.

I want to finish with the lyrics from a song that has resonated with my heart and soul from Brandon Heath. It's a song entitled "Give Me Your Eyes" and here is the chorus.

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

My challenge for myself for Lent is to give up my selfish thoughts, to work hard at not focusing on me and my own issues and life. I want to do what that chorus says, take Jesus' eyes and see the beauty and pain in others. Lord, help me to reach out and gain the perspective from others' eyes, others' shoes. I know I feel my best when I am helping others. I sometimes get obnoxious in trying to be helpful but I'd rather err on the side of trying too hard than not making the effort at all. Join with me in losing our focus on money or on our own needs and let's give up selfishness for Lent. Pray with me daily that God would give us His eyes, love, arms and heart. What a perspective that would be and what a world that would create! Amen!

Earning the Right to Be Heard

This doesn't need to be commented on or added to...just a loud, "AMEN!!!" This is a sermon by Tony Campolo. I wish I had written it.

I’m going to talk about power and authority. There is a difference.
Max Weber, one of the great sociologists of modern times, says that power carries with it the ability to coerce. Coercion is always in the background when we talk about power. For instance, when the policeman in the patrol car pulls up behind me on the highway with the red lights flashing, I pull over. I don’t want to obey. I don’t want to yield to his request that I pull over, but I do because I have to. He’s got power. It’s called a gun and I yield to him because he’s got power! He doesn’t have to pull the gun. He doesn’t have to use the gun. The very fact that coercion is a possibility makes me obedient.

Authority is quite different. My mother had great authority over me. No power. She was a little Italian lady. I could have kicked her down the steps. But when she spoke, I obeyed because she had authority. Where did she get that authority? She got that authority by thousands and thousands of loving sacrificial things she did for me over the years. Her sacrifices, her loving sacrifices, earned her authority.

There is a big difference between power and authority. And what I want to say is this: when the Church tries to play power games, when the Church tries to use, for instance, political power to impose it’s will on people, it loses even when it thinks it wins. The Church has a need to speak with authority.

Now, a good example of what I mean by authority is in the story of Mother Teresa. There is a city not too far from Eastern University where they have a state hospital. In the state hospital they have people who are emotionally and psychologically disturbed. It’s a huge place. Well, the directors of the hospital wanted to start these halfway houses so that people who were on their way to full recovery could be nurtured from the hospital back into society, by first going to these halfway houses and from there they could get jobs and, little by little, own their own residences. It was a transition stage and that’s why they wanted these five halfway houses. Needless to say, the people in the city weren’t particularly thrilled with the possibility of this prospect. There was a city council meeting. The place was packed. Five hundred people plus squeezed into this hall, yelling and screaming their opposition to the halfway houses. They didn’t want the, quote unquote,“crazies” living in their neighborhood.

Needless to say, the city council voted unanimously against the proposal. Not much discussion. A lot of yelling and a lot of screaming and the city council said no to the proposition. No sooner had they voted that the back doors of the auditorium were opened and in came Mother Teresa. She was in town for a ceremony dedicating a Sisters of Charity program and she heard about this meeting. She came down the center aisle and everybody gasped as Mother Teresa came to the front, got down on her knees in front of the city council, raised her arms and said, “In the name of Jesus, make room for these children of God! When you reject them, you reject Jesus. When you affirm them, you embrace Jesus.” And then with her arms upraised, five times in a row she said, “Please, please, please, please, please, in the name of God, make room for these people! Make room for them in your neighborhoods.”

Now, you’re on the city council, the television stations have followed Mother Teresa into the place and they’re grinding away. The newspaper reporters are there. There is Mother Teresa on her knees in front you. What are you going to do if you’re on the city council? You guessed it! “I move we change the decision.” And then a second to the motion and they voted unanimously to reverse the decision they had made a few minutes earlier. The newspapers reporting on this the next day said the most remarkable thing is that of the five hundred plus people packed into that hall, not a one of them uttered a word of opposition to the motion. Why? Because of Mother Teresa. She spoke as one having authority. Where did she get that authority? On the streets of Calcutta, loving sacrificing for the poor and the oppressed of the world, giving of herself to meet the needs of others sacrificially. Sacrificial love earned her authority.

Whenever the Church speaks with authority, people listen. But the Church has to be sacrificial. And I’m afraid that the Church has not been sacrificial enough. In these days of an economic downturn there is a tendency in the Church to say, well, we’ve got to keep our own building intact, we’ve got to take care of our own staff, we have our own needs. And I’m telling you that the church that forgets itself and sacrifices for the needs of the poor and the oppressed—not only in their own neighborhood but around the world—that’s the church that will speak with authority. The church that speaks with authority doesn’t have to resort to power. People will listen.

Jesus resorted to authority. They said in Scripture he speaks as one having authority. It says that he emptied himself of power in the second chapter of Philippians. He took upon himself the form of a servant—the word is actually “doulos” which means slave in the original Greek—and made himself of no reputation. And here it is: he humbled himself even unto death, even unto the death of the cross. But listen to me. It doesn’t end there. The passage of Scripture from the second chapter of Philippians goes on to say, “therefore God has highly exalted him and given him a name which is above every name, that the name of Jesus every knee should bow, every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. But we Christians know that his Lordship was not built on power but on a cross. His sacrificial act of love earns him the name that is above every name.

You know this is true in the family, as well. I hear mothers and fathers say to me: “My son, my daughter doesn’t listen to me anymore! When I talk about God, when I talk about Scriptures, they roll their eyes and say ‘Do we have to listen to this?’ They just don’t listen!” I say it’s because you don’t have authority. “What do you mean I don’t have authority?” Well, the kids see you spend $150 for a ticket to go a football game and throw $5 into the offering plate for the poor. When you talk about God, that kid knows it isn’t serious. After all, you would have sacrificed in love if it was serious.

The Church, the family, you as an individual need to imitate Jesus who constantly turned away from power, constantly did the temptation experience. “Turn the stones into bread,” said Satan. Economic power. Jesus said no. “Go and jump off the pinnacle of the temple. Show them a miracle down there at the temple.” Religious power. Jesus said no. To the top of the mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world. Political power. Jesus said no. I don’t want political power. I don’t want economic power. I don’t want religious power. I want to change the world by lovingly sacrificing for the poor and the oppressed because the more I sacrifice and love, the more authority I will have. In today’s world we need a Church, we need families, we need persons who are ready to sacrifice to meet the needs of others. That’s what changes the world.

Martin Luther King didn’t have political power, but he changed America. Mahatma Gandhi didn’t have political power. He never commanded an army. He changed a nation. I tell you that they understood Jesus better than most church people do. They understood that the way to change the world is not to impose your will on others but to lovingly sacrifice and earn the authority that when you speak, they will listen. They said of Jesus: He’s not like the religious leaders. He’s not like Herod. He’s not like Pilate. When this man speaks he speaks with authority. Would to God, we learn from Jesus.

Fears

I am watching Akeela and the Bee with my family (a movie everyone should watch) and this quote was read by Akeela while working with her spelling bee coach. I think it truly talks about my conflicts and struggles as clearly as anything I've read.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. - Marianne Williamson

I have spent much of my adult life thinking I was fearful of failure or my own inadequacies. It has only been in the past few years that I have come to the realization that my deepest fear is that God has blessed me with so many gifts and I am not living up to that potential. I also have a fear that I don't know how to live up to that potential. It leads me to shy away from being the leader and making the impact that I have been called and gifted to be. I don't mean this in an egotistical way and just by saying this I go back to my fear. No, I truly see the gifts of others and enjoy seeing the success of those around me while being fearful of my own success. I do not want to be egotistical, narcissistic or seen by others as selfish. I go to the extreme to prove this. Enough with the "I" statements. Let's look closer at this quote.

Powerful beyond measure....you know isn't that why those of us who are in education are really in it. There is true power in education, it is being an authority and using authority in a powerful and meaningful way. I am a true believer we will change this world not through force or intimidation or coercion but through the authority we get from God and the knowledge we gain. Truly the most powerful people in my time have been people that have not used coercion or violence but the power of the word, of knowledge, of passion, of faith. Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mahatma Gandhi and historically speaking has anyone impacted our world more than Jesus. A lot of this thought comes from a sermon by Tony Campolo entitled "Earning the Right to Be Heard". I think I'll post this in another blog tonight as it is truly powerful.

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Here is where it is a tough line for me between being self-centered and being real, genuine, powerful, meaningful. A good friend once said that she hates being the center of attention but always seeks it out. I totally relate. I wonder if maybe that's where the struggle lies and without our faith we can't find that delicate balance. You see it's not seeking attention it's following your calling no check that it's following His calling and being bold in knowing that you are brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous not by my own doing but by the gracious gifts that are God given. And YES who am I to not be all that I have been made to be. It may be a greater sin or at least a greater failure for us not to be than to be self-centered in our life.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
Think of those people in your life that have truly changed you, challenged you to be better, impacted how you see life and most importantly others. These people have shined their light and in the process given me and so many others permission to move mountains of all sizes. You know the people I'm talking about, they have a unique quality that is sincere and, here is that word again, genuine. They captivate you without trying. They find no shame in being brilliant, gorgeous, fabulous and talented and yet it is not egotistical. Lord I pray that all of us may feel this, experience this, be this by your grace.

I have so much work to do with this but I think I will read this quote each day and be reminded of who I am called to be. As my friend tells me so often, "Dave do we need to give ourselves a put-up today?" Oh I am given a put-up each and everyday when I get to be with my family, friends and Maker.