The Art of Forgiving

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. It's occurred to me that we spend most of our time talking about asking for forgiveness but very little time in discussing the art of forgiving. I truly think it is much easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to be forgiving. Why is that?

I'm sure it is different for everyone and our individual personalities play into how forgiving happens. Also, the action that requires forgiveness must be taken into account as there are some levels of hurt that are deeper than others and require a greater level of forgiveness, at least in the human sense. That being said, for me at least, the easiest part is asking for forgiveness. I have no problem acknowledging my own faults and taking responsibility for those actions which may have hurt a friend along the way. It is much tougher for me to really forgive those who may have a need to ask forgiveness of me.

I think the most difficult part of forgiving is actually giving that person that needs forgiveness the freedom and space to move on, change, grow and learn without the doubts or fears that whatever their transgression was will appear again. That is just plain hard. We naturally have doubts about their sincerity of asking for forgiveness or their ability to actually change. Isn't it sad that we expect people to apologize and ask for forgiveness but we fail to put the expectation on ourselves that we then need to forgive and let these people know that they are forgiven and we will proceed forward forgiven?

Another piece to this puzzle is being honest and forthright with those we feel have hurt us or made us feel uncomfortable. We expect a change or an apology to happen yet the one person we haven't addressed this with is the one person who has created these feelings. How can their be forgiveness if the issues that exist have not been dealt with directly? I am so guilty of this, having expectations for an apology but not ever talking to the person directly about those issues that exist for me. When I put the shoe on the other foot and think about the times that my friends have not addressed me directly with their issues or concerns and the hurt that comes from that, I realize how many times I have done the exact same thing and how much hurt I must have created in that process. Yes, being told your faults straight up doesn't feel great but in the long run my experience has shown that it is the best way to move to forgiveness and reconciliation so that a healthy friendship can continue to grow.

So here are my steps to being a good forgiver:

1. Be honest and forthright. Forgiveness only happens when the people involved know what it is that needs to be changed or what the feelings are behind the need for an apology.

2. Acknowledge that the person has asked for forgiveness. Nothing worse than asking for forgiveness and owning your faults and having that ignored. Doesn't mean you have to forgive at that time, it may take time to get there, but acknowledge that you have heard their apology.

3. Give the person apologizing the space and trust to change and be forgiven. MOVE ON!

4. Let those people know that they are forgiven when that time comes that you can forgive.

5. Be aware that you have the tougher job - forgiving. You have to work hard at it.

6. Pray!

7. Think of both sides of the conflict. What is it you can do to make this better?

That's it. I don't know that there is anything magical or even research based on this. It's just my observations. I have vowed to work hard on this in my own life as it is an area that needs great growth.

Last, I would be remiss if I didn't think about the forgiveness that is given me daily. I am a sinner, everyday. I happen to believe in a Lord and Savior who forgives me graciously, mercifully every moment. If we need a model on how to become a great forgiver we need to look no further than Jesus Christ. His ability to minister and care for all, even those who needed the greatest amount of forgiveness is the perfect design. Sin wasn't measured and forgiveness wasn't given in doses but it was all encompassing. I find it interesting that just like with my friendships it is much easier for me to ask for forgiveness than it is for me to accept the forgiveness freely given me. Hmm...that might be the next step, we ask for forgiveness, then the tough part of being a forgiver but perhaps the most difficult part is accepting forgiveness. Well, I need to go ponder that now.