Listen as I Wander

I listen as I wander
Through this maze that they call life
Wondering if He'll lead me
Away from all of this strife

Do other people struggle
In finding their calling true
A neverending challenge
Constant seeking of a clue

Not because of a dislike
Or some laziness you see
Difference maker daily
Is what I desire to be

Through all these complexities
Opportunities galore
Will I heed the Son's calling
And walk through the open door

Or is it to take each day
Use the gifts so freely shared
Journey onward faithfully
Trusting blindly my soul bared

I listen as I wander....

Survival In the Midst of Chaos

The past few weeks have brought a perspective that has weighed heavy on my mind and heart. This blog will be part vent and part educational commentary. We have been buried with school initiatives this year and the staff is really burned out on all the change that has been happening not just this year but in the past few years. While we have been very successful in implementing these changes sometimes the stories of life bring a dimension that is hard to handle. Teaching and each job that supports education in a school is hard enough when life outside of school is going well. It becomes incredibly difficult when we have to deal with real life stressors on top of being great educators.

I have had some tough, heart-to-hearts with a few staff members this past month or so. Marriage issues, death or illnesses in the family, personal illness and so much more has come through my door during this time. We have dealt with cancer, divorce, house fires, death of parents and then you add in the stories we hear from our students. Just today I received word of a student who used their money for clothes to pay the electric bill at home and they await being evicted. Another student wants to have a fundraiser for their own family so they are not evicted. One student had their dad abandon the family, another is in a protective custody situation to hide from an abusive father and the list goes on and on.

Lying at this point would be fruitless, this has all beat me up to a point. I love my job and the people I work with each day. However, after dealing with MDE, investing time and energy into the referendum, helping everyone work through the changes - it gets to be overwhelming to work through all that as well as what life brings to those around me. I don't mean this to make me out to be some kind of martyr.

No, what has really hit me lately is how the expectations on schools/teachers are so high in this day and age of accountability. It seems our brilliant legislators have decided to go against all the research on best practices in education and go to high stakes testing, the narrowing of curriculum and take away the creative genius that lies within the teachers and students within our schools. We are held accountable for all and that is fine but we cannot hold the powers that be to the same level of accountability. There is an unsaid message that we should just teach and ignore all that was written in the first paragraphs. It seems that best practices are only required in the classroom and is not required for those who determine what education should be from a legislative point of view.

I'm sorry but working with people and their life situations is what life is all about. Whether these 3rd graders can pass a test on one specific day in math and reading really becomes irrelevant and lacking of importance when those same children are wondering if they will have a meal, a home or a parent at home when the day is done. Seriously, as much as I value education, I can't pretend that on any particular day or moment that the standards are more important. Everyday I am blessed to see that these incredible souls who dedicate their lives to education have made a significant difference in so many lives.

I pray that I never become jaded enough to not see or feel the hurt that exists in so many people each day in a school. I also pray that I will never overlook all the celebrations that should happen every day we come together. You see, I value all that education brings and adds to a life, I don't even disagree with the standards and expectations but I also believe strongly that it is about people and not test results.

I can't deny that I sometimes wonder if I'm really impacting lives the way I think I should. I wonder if I am using God's gifts He has freely given me to make the difference I desire. I wonder if this calling is where I can change the world and I really do feel called to change the world. I don't mean that in an egotistical way but you see I believe that all of us can change the world and I wonder if I am doing it to the extent that I can. I am grateful that all these people feel comfortable enough to come in and have those closed door conversations, shed those tears and seek support from my little old office but I wonder if there is more.

This may seem kind of a downer blog but I really didn't intend it to be solely that. Reflective, yes, venting, yes, but more of a challenge and a chance to share my thoughts. I will continue to work hard, care greatly and compassionately give for the students and staff I have the privilege of being with each day. And I will continue to wonder....

The Dissonance of Life

The Dissonance of Life

The rhythms and sounds of life that clash endlessly
The constant disagreement between humanity and faith
Struggling to find a balance
The lack of harmonious tones in each day’s chaos
The dissonance of life

The prayers for peace in a conflicted world travel silently
The conflict between absolute freedom and personal responsibility
Struggling to find a balance
The lack of rhythmic vibrations in each person’s journey
The dissonance of life

The cacophony of ideals that resonate perpetually
The schism that exists between beliefs and actions
Struggling to find a balance
The lack of peace and contentment in each being's soul
The dissonance of life

What Was, What Is, What Is To Come

Last week a teacher at our school called me to let me know that she had accepted a position in another district. This wasn't a surprise as she had moved to her fiance's home and had a lengthy commute if she didn't find a job closer to her new home. That isn't really as important as the message she shared after informing me of her new position.

She shared with me that after she received the phone call offering her the job she jumped up and down and celebrated for 15 minutes and then cried for an hour because she was leaving us. I knew how she felt because I was thrilled for her new opportunity and yet was sad that she wouldn't be a part of our team. We liked her being a part of our team and most importantly she was wonderful for kids.

As I reflected on her reaction I began to think that her feelings are exactly what they should be for all of us. Whenever we begin a new journey or adventure we should be excited for what lies ahead but hopefully we are walking away from something we cherished and will miss. Isn't that really perfect?! To be excited for what is to come, to be blessed by what is and to have tears of joy about what was says so much. Whether it be for a job, a relationship, a worship service or any other walks we take...to be able to feel all of that is to be enveloped by the grace and peace of our Maker.

Today as I sat in my new office, I was feeling quite overwhelmed, incompetent and wondering if this was really the fit for me. It was then I took a step back and realized my focus was on the wrong things. When I changed my focus and realized how many times this past week I have heard words of encouragement, support and people who expressed thankfulness for me being in this position, suddenly the passion and calling returned. I needed to not dwell on what was (I thoroughly loved my last year as principal.)but celebrate what was to come, feel blessed for what is and shed tears of joy for what was. This is a perspective in life I am going to try to be mindful of each day. What looked like an insurmountable pile of work was cleaned up and gone by the time I left tonight.

Some of our adventures may have 15 minutes of celebration and 1 hour of tears and some may be just the opposite. Either way isn't it cause for true thankfulness. What was, what is and what is to come for me all has and had the hand of our Maker upon each and every moment.

For the Very First Time

My dad has been on my mind a lot this week as we move closer to Father's Day. This will be the first time he will not be here with us to celebrate. This poem came to mind as I reflected on the blessings I had with him.

For the Very First Time

For the very first time
A Father’s Day without you
Wishing for just one more time
It’s suddenly all so real again
For the very first time

For the very first time
A baseball season without you
Wishing for just one more time
To talk about the Reds and Cards
For the very first time

For the very first time
A wheat crop harvested without you
Wishing for just one more time
To talk about the prices rising and falling
For the very first time

For the very first time
A basketball season without you
Wishing for just one more time
To watch a game together
For the very first time

For the very first time
A Father’s Day without you
Wishing for just one more time
To show you how much I love you
For the very first time

Pretend to Understand

I Can't Pretend

I can't pretend to understand
What it must be like
To sell yourself to pay the rent

I can't pretend to understand
What it must be like
To live wondering if there is a meal

I can't pretend to understand
What it must be like
To not have shelter from day to day

I can't pretend to understand
What it must be like
To celebrate life even without

I will begin to understand
What it must be like
To have compassion beyond the credit card

I will begin to understand
What it must be like
To look into those eyes and see

I will begin to understand
What it must be like
To be a person of action and understanding

I will begin to understand
What it must be like
To live it, be it and keep all safe with forgiveness and grace


I am understanding more each day that we must/I must reach out beyond a credit card transaction and move it to acts of compassion. Nothing wrong with a donation but how much more powerful to be in a relationship. One of the most powerful lessons I've learned was talking to a counselor at a safezone for homeless youth where she talked about moving beyond judging a young woman who would turn to prostitution for her rent to starting a relationship that made sure she would be able to do it safely. She had to go there and establish a relationship before she could help the young lady move out of that cycle. A lesson for all of us I believe in grace, forgiveness and compassion.

Buried - A Lenten Journey

Overwhelmed by trying to do it all
The world it seems so big and yet I feel so small
Immobilized not knowing where to start
Wondering if I have the gifts to do my part

So focused on my selfish wants and needs
Or trying to impress by doing some good deeds
Lost within the work and tasks life demands
In the midst of this chaos without praying hands

Becoming someone that I don't desire
Sarcastic, cutting doing nothing to inspire
Focus on the negative and the wrong
Instead of all the beauty within each one's song

I seek your grace, forgiveness this day
Lord help me live your love in all I do and say
Remove all of my doubt, unrest and fear
Look into my child's eyes and feel your presence here

Take this hardened heart and make my sin fade
All creation shows us the promises you made
Empty cross and tomb will be upon us soon
Resurrect my spirit and shine like the full moon

Forgiveness

This morning I awoke to a fresh coat of white snow covering the ground and roads. While I am not a winter fan and am quite honestly very tired of it by now, the painting this snow created was quite beautiful. The dingy, dirty, crusty snow that was present the day before had now been covered up by this pristine snowfall. However, underneath this snow was a slick layer of ice. All this beauty was simply covering up the ugliness of the old snow and ice beneath. As I was driving through this mixture of the clean, dirty and dangerous the idea of forgiveness and my inability to do it or accept it well came to mind.

It dawned on me that this new snow was simply covering up the ugly underneath. I think, for myself at least and what I observe from others, that this is what happens for us with forgiveness. We say we forgive others, we say we want to be forgiven, we say we accept forgiveness but the reality is that the forgiveness is only on the surface, it doesn't really penetrate into our hearts and souls. Perhaps it is just human nature but forgiveness is a difficult act to fully accept and give.

Forgiveness takes on many facets...we ask forgiveness of others, we are asked to forgive others, for some of us we ask our Lord for forgiveness and then forgiving ourselves. Some of these are easier to do than others but they all are hard to truly let permeate who we are and how we feel about ourselves or others. I wish I knew why or how to change that for myself. Oh don't get me wrong, I've got the white snow on top with the problem still underneath part down. I just know that there are pieces of forgiving that I am not good at and if I truly want to move on and be the person that I have been called to be I must find a way or a power that allows that to happen.

My biggest challenge in the art of forgiveness is the forgiving myself part. I find this lack of personal forgiveness is a major obstacle to caring for, loving and forgiving others. I forget that true forgiveness doesn't come from me but in my mind it comes from my higher power. If I am made in the image of God and am a child of His then forgiveness for my failures must come from Him. We can all do that surface forgiveness thing. I believe that to really experience the power of forgiveness that changes you, showers grace upon you and transforms relationships it has to come from God. We or at least I cannot do it myself and have it really mean anything more than a covering up like the snow today.

One of the lessons in church this past Sunday came from 1 Corinthians. Most of us know the verse about what love is and is not. I want to focus on what love is not. (I don't usually focus on the negative side but it hit me in church how these were effecting my actions towards others.)

It is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.

It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth

When I do a checklist of these "nots" I find that my actions the last couple of weeks reflect too many of them. Jealous - check, discourteous - check, selfish - check, irritable - check. Lots of "nots" and I realized that these actions were preventing me from being a gracious, forgiving person that I would like to see myself as.

So I have decided to challenge myself to take care of these "nots" as best I can and when I can't to seek forgiveness, accept forgiveness and be forgiving. If as a society we all try to live this way I believe we will dramatically impact our world in a powerful way. When we take the "nots" away and turn them to forgiveness we can work towards understanding. This has to be a better way to live.

Legacy

A few months ago I had the daunting task of writing the toughest "paper" of all, an obituary for my dad. It was something I never planned to write or expected to write at this point in life. To put a person's life into a short diatribe and bring forth not just their accomplishments but to bring out their personality is always difficult but when it is your parent and you are representing not just your own experience but that of your siblings, well to say it was a challenge would be the understatement of the century. My siblings did a much better job than I did in the obituary during their sharing at the funeral. As I reflected on that time and as I sat at another funeral this past week it got me to think about what my dad's legacy is and what I would like my own to be. How do I remember my dad and others who have had an impact on my life and how do I want to be remembered when I am called Home?

This is my third attempt to write about my dad since his death and I'm still not sure I can effectively communicate all the emotions and feelings that have processed through my mind. I have to say that hearing from all of the former staff members and students who were impacted by my dad was...I'm not sure if there is a word for it but I guess it was a confirmation of why I held my dad in such high esteem and a vision of what I want my legacy to be. My dad was a teacher, coach and school administrator. (Does this sound familiar?) Dad was a person who I admired to the point of being a hero in some respects. The last few years as his health became a bigger concern he became a man that wasn't a good representation of all that I grew up to know but that hasn't tarnished the high esteem I hold my father in. All that I have become and hope to become as a father and now a principal are ideals that I learned from Dad.

I believe that if asked by his kids and colleagues what words described Dad the words integrity, honesty, sacrifice, unselfish, dignity would be the most prevalant words used. He was held in high esteem as an educator, one who was looking for the best ways to meet the needs of all students and in fact those students who some would have labeled "trouble" were the ones he probably connected most closely with. As a parent, it can be summed up in the fact that he was a single parent father of four children in a time when that role was unheard of particularly for an educational professional. He gave up career opportunity after career opportunity to be able to spend his summers with his kids. I don't think he missed one single concert, play, game or activity that any of his four children participated in. He was a man that believed in doing the right thing no matter what the circumstances and believed that all people should be treated with respect and dignity. I am sure my view of Dad is loftier than reality to some extent but he taught me much and I can only hope that I can be half of the father and educator that he was.

So what do I want my legacy to be when my time on this earth is done? My biggest legacy is already done, my two daughters, a legacy I share with my wife. I am very proud of the kind of people our girls have grown up to be so far. They have a much more mature understanding of people and life than I probably ever will have. If Rachel and Emma are the only legacy I leave behind I will consider life quite successful. However, as usual, I want more. I hope that when I die people not only think of how obnoxious I was and how I tried a little bit of everything in life but that there is evidence that I did unto the least of my brethren something powerful and positive. I pray that somehow there is evidence that I used the gifts God so graciously bestowed upon me to make a difference (as trite as that sounds) and that I didn't just live in this world but that I loved and showed compassion. Last, I hope that by the time my funeral comes the words grace, compassion, forgiveness and all those words that so fittingly belonged to my dad will be shared by others.

My dad was a father and a teacher and I can think of no two words that I would want to be used for my legacy more than those two. I pray that I will be a father and a teacher whose legacy is not fame and fortune but changed lives and eternal blessings. I have experienced many failures and some successes in these realms. Grace and forgiveness have been experienced more selfishly than shared unselfishly and for that I will have to continue to pray and change so that others experience the grace and forgiveness that I have kept to myself.

To all of those who have put up with me, shared with me, challenged me, encouraged me, prayed for me, prayed with me and have forgiven me...THANK YOU! You have all made me a better person and I am abundantly blessed with an incredible family and wonderful friends. Your legacies have significantly impacted my legacy.