Hope and Thankfulness

I've been in a funk the past week or two. Can't explain it all but for one reason or another I've been riding this rollercoaster ride of feeling down and feeling at peace. No consistency. I can figure out some of the reasons but to be honest some of it is too personal to share in a public forum like this. The real core of this though lies in spending too much time focusing on myself. I had vowed to give up selfishness for Lent but have failed the last couple of weeks. Today I finally slowed down enough to reflect on some things and to realize how much I should be focused on all those things I can be thankful for and to realize that hope is a trait I need to, how can I put this, surround others with, radiate, I think that is the word. I need to radiate hope and be someone who positively impacts others.

While I sat in my self-created pity party the past couple of days all the energy I had was used to look at my own deficiencies and doubts. My schedule and life have been very hectic during this time in the past two weeks, some of which I had no control over and some I created for myself. It became habit to reply to people and bother friends with my struggles instead of using that energy to listen and care for them. This is not my norm I don't think but I've been in this rut for awhile now. I honestly have not liked myself lately and yet, failed to make those changes necessary to bring that peace back. I become sarcastic and lose my sensitivity to others needs during these times. My sense of humor becomes cutting and hurtful. When this self-absorbed Dave takes over all of the parts that I find to be not attractive surface. It is so very hypocritical of me. Then I get bothered by how I've let people around me down or worry about others perceptions of me. It ain't pretty.

Today, as I was sitting in my office at church getting some organization done and chatting with a friend in Fargo talking about the flood, it dawned on me that this is not who God has called me to be and not the Dave I want people to see or know. I came home and walked around our beautiful home and took time to notice all the beauty of creation that surrounds me daily. I had been so buried in my work, watching TV, Facebook, etc. that I had failed to notice the wonders of the people and nature around me. So it is time to blog about the those things, those people, those moments that I have been blessed with. It is time to realize the hope that is present even in these trying times. It is time to be someone who lives compassionately, who lives positively, who lives to change his world around him in a positive way.

This is already long enough but I want to thank those friends that I work with who have so generously put up with my moods, listened to me, built me up and admonished me when necessary. I am truly blessed with so many friends who allow me to be me with all my quirks. Lord help me to understand and accept that so that I may be "real" all the time and not worry about what others think but only about what You think and what You have called me to be. My family is truly amazing. They bring smiles to my face. My two daughters are the most beautiful people I could have ever been blessed with. The list could go on and on. I have tears in my eyes when I think of all those important people. I can only hope and pray that I may bring you the joy and friendship that you give me. To those of you who read this and that I work with...THANKS! I have one very dear friend that I don't think reads this and to you a special thank you. You will never know what your friendship means. Nobody has allowed me to be me better than you and challenged me to be positive about my own self-image better than you.

My friends there is hope. I see it in the eyes of the young people I get to work with each day. I am surrounded by amazing people with amazing gifts who insist on making this a better place. The youth that I work with at church are changing our world. They are feeding the hungry, clothing the homeless, and sharing their lives with friends in need. How powerful! In the midst of flooding, economic woes, and world unrest it is easy to focus on all that is wrong. I am a believer that the real miracle is that during all of these difficult times it requires us to become better neighbors, less selfish, more compassionate and brings about the real beauty of those around us. There is really hope all around us. God has promised us just that. When our focus leaves our own needs, our fears, our greed and looks to others then we can have the eyes of joy and hope. As Easter approaches we need to remember the promise that was kept on that cross and by His resurrection. Our needs will be met, our fears relieved and our greed will turn to compassion. We need not worry but work diligently towards listening, following and believing in others, ourselves and our God.

Now it is time for me to listen to these words and live it myself. Won't you join me?

Paradox of Life

I've been challenged with the many paradoxes of life both personally and more globally. One day a couple of weeks ago I received the news that the 3 yr old son of friends has terminal cancer and very little hope for recovery. The very same day a friend and colleague donated a kidney to her sister-in-law and saved a life. It seems when we look at our life these contradictory stories surround us. Certainly in my faith walk there are stories and struggles that relate to all the paradoxes of the Bible and God's existence. Give up your life to get it, love your enemies, the list is endless in this realm. I need more time to dwell on this and to really reflect on all the pieces of life that fit into this paradigm. I'm guessing almost all of it does. With all of that instability how do we find a solid foundation and remain controlled through it all? How do we seek and accept that wisdom and find the internal peace that provides us perseverance and understanding to remain hopeful? Don't really know to be honest and I don't feel like I'm very successful at attaining those lofty goals. I admire those that are able to live that way and have the self-worth to go confidently forward.

As I was driving to work this morning a poem came to mind that reflected on my own personal paradoxes. It is kind of dark and heavy and would maybe give the impression that I am not happy but that is not the case. I just sometimes find myself in this state of mind and needed to release it so I wrote a poem, yeah, while driving down a very busy highway at an illegal speed, but goes to show you can be stupid, dangerous and reflective at the same time. Isn't multi-tasking a gift? Anyway, here it is in it's original form...which means it might need work but here's what I got so far.

Paradox of Life

Feeling trapped within these walls
They're invisible but still
The boundaries surround me
Created by my own will

The beauty of the sunrise
And the wonders of each soul
Do not go without notice
Yet still this cavernous hole

People all around my life
Friends are abundantly found
With all of this I'm lonely
Seeking a fulfilling sound

There are so many answers
Plenty of pathways exist
The journey still continues
All the questions still persist