It's been awhile since I last blogged and as I looked back at my last post in May it was entitled "Perspective" I believe. I shared how a youn,g girl, in my school at the time, had brought me a healthy dose of perspective. Well tonight it is my 91 year old grandmother who brings perspective from the other side of life.
Grandmother is waiting for the angels to call as she lies in her room in the Hospice House in Hutchinson, KS. It is dark in here tonight as I sit beside her bed thinking about all that life has been for her and what I want it to be for me and those I love. She has endured plenty, loved much and been an important part of many lives.
Having been in the hospital room to see the birth of our two daughters I have experienced first hand the indescribable joy of new life. Now I sit, listen, watch and wonder which breath will be her last. The indescribable pain of loss is just as powerful an emotion as the joy that new life brought forth. However, there is a strange dichotomy of feelings as I can celebrate a 91 year old life that was packed with so much as well as feel the anticipation of loss. I'm not sure what that means to be honest but I am thankful there is much to celebrate along with the knowledge there is impending tears and sadness.
When our father passed away a couple of years ago it was truly a blessing to see how our family put away any petty differences we had and just were there for each other. However we needed to be, we were, without judgment, without thought, just here I am, I need you, I love you, you are an important part of who I am and will always be. I sense that happening again today and tonight. A family that is spread all over the world suddenly comes together just to comfort, pray and feel the connection we sometimes overlook and take for granted. Now is a time where it is felt to the inner core of our soul. We are connected and what a beautiful blessing that is.
I've been thinking about that word beautiful lately...it is sometimes overused in our media and perhaps by each of us. What a beautiful _____. You fill in the blank. But it is taking on new meaning for me. For me beauty is not an exterior thing, it is not bought or seen on the surface, no it is an intangible, immeasurable quality that comes from deep inside. You see it, feel it in a person's soul when looking into their eyes. A friend of my grandmother's stopped by the Hospice House today and described her as beautiful and she was not talking about her appearance but her soul. She was so right. The beauty of beautiful, if you will, is that it overcomes the quirks, dysfunctions and warts of our outer being and shines forth without flaw.
I am surrounded by beauty in my life and today has reminded me I need to slow down and take in all that is beautiful. Tonight it is my grandmother, as emaciated as she is physically, there is beauty. By the overabundant grace of God I pray that His beauty may overcome my deficiencies and there are many. Through all this perspective talk I have been shown that no matter where we are at in our journey through life, whether it be as a young child or an elder waiting for the angel's call, God is with us always and forever. There is much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving season. May each of you be touched by the beauty in those around you and overwhelmed by the beautiful grace of Emmanuel.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
A Little Perspective Goes A Long Way
Today as I was sitting in my office stewing over the stressors of the day I was changed in a powerful way by a young student in our school. Now mind you these stressors, while bothersome, pale in comparison to the life challenges many others face. That being said, it has been a tiring, stressful year and I've done my darnedest to wallow in self-pity whenever possible. Then I got a dose of perspective this afternoon that I will cling to whenever I get into this self-loathing mode.
A young student who has had some serious life trauma in her life and has all the reason to not trust adults, came into my office and made this day, no life come into perspective. She never lets her past get in the way of her being a true light each day. Delightful is the adjective that comes to mind when I think of her. I've tried to be sensitive to her past and respect her space in every way I can while still providing care and support as best I can as an elementary principal.
This afternoon she came into my office and handed me a letter that she had written. She is moving away from our community this summer and her letter was letting me know how much she will miss me and how much she trusted me. It had plenty of misspellings, punctuation errors and grammatical mistakes and none of that mattered. The sincerity and gratitude expressed was overwhelming. I wept. She gave me two big hugs which was truly a miracle.
She gave me perspective. We talked about us both moving and how much we would miss each other. She smiled and had a sparkle in her eyes that showed a feeling of understanding far beyond her years. Suddenly all the issues of the day and week were washed away in tears of thankfulness and celebration. When Jesus said be childlike I believe this is exactly what he meant. This tiny body made a huge impact. She got it long before I did and I am all the better for it. I understood again why it is I work in education - kids - plain and simple. They are truly amazing and I have been given far more from the little ones than I could possibly give back.
If you are an adult, at least in age, and are like most of us, buried in the busyness of life, stuck on the stressors of each day - take time to be with a child. Be amazed at how simple they make life and how they get it, they just get it. It's not the things, not the politics, not the theology, no it is the people, their smiles, their eyes, their remarkable ability to forgive and go play. So I will take this perspective and try to bring it to each day again. I will fail along the way and a young person will remind me again what it is all about.
A young student who has had some serious life trauma in her life and has all the reason to not trust adults, came into my office and made this day, no life come into perspective. She never lets her past get in the way of her being a true light each day. Delightful is the adjective that comes to mind when I think of her. I've tried to be sensitive to her past and respect her space in every way I can while still providing care and support as best I can as an elementary principal.
This afternoon she came into my office and handed me a letter that she had written. She is moving away from our community this summer and her letter was letting me know how much she will miss me and how much she trusted me. It had plenty of misspellings, punctuation errors and grammatical mistakes and none of that mattered. The sincerity and gratitude expressed was overwhelming. I wept. She gave me two big hugs which was truly a miracle.
She gave me perspective. We talked about us both moving and how much we would miss each other. She smiled and had a sparkle in her eyes that showed a feeling of understanding far beyond her years. Suddenly all the issues of the day and week were washed away in tears of thankfulness and celebration. When Jesus said be childlike I believe this is exactly what he meant. This tiny body made a huge impact. She got it long before I did and I am all the better for it. I understood again why it is I work in education - kids - plain and simple. They are truly amazing and I have been given far more from the little ones than I could possibly give back.
If you are an adult, at least in age, and are like most of us, buried in the busyness of life, stuck on the stressors of each day - take time to be with a child. Be amazed at how simple they make life and how they get it, they just get it. It's not the things, not the politics, not the theology, no it is the people, their smiles, their eyes, their remarkable ability to forgive and go play. So I will take this perspective and try to bring it to each day again. I will fail along the way and a young person will remind me again what it is all about.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Come and Go
All of us will come and go
Some more often than others
May be for a day or two
Or longer for your calling
We may decide on our own
Or life will change it for us
The time it does not matter
How we use time is telling
Passing through on each journey
Impacted by those we meet
Hopeful that we do the same
And leave each person better
Our life is temporary
Nothing for us stays the same
Time together limited
Importance is amplified
Make the most of each moment
Change the lives you come across
Be thankful for the blessings
Listen to the One above
Know that each destination
Existed before you came
And it will continue on
With others to change the way
Don't pretend to understand
Just follow my heart each day
I may be quite the nomad
No regrets along the way
Some more often than others
May be for a day or two
Or longer for your calling
We may decide on our own
Or life will change it for us
The time it does not matter
How we use time is telling
Passing through on each journey
Impacted by those we meet
Hopeful that we do the same
And leave each person better
Our life is temporary
Nothing for us stays the same
Time together limited
Importance is amplified
Make the most of each moment
Change the lives you come across
Be thankful for the blessings
Listen to the One above
Know that each destination
Existed before you came
And it will continue on
With others to change the way
Don't pretend to understand
Just follow my heart each day
I may be quite the nomad
No regrets along the way
Monday, March 14, 2011
Nothing
Lately I've been in a sort of funk. Not sure if I can find the right words to define all that is or maybe isn't going on in my heart and mind at this time. There really aren't any defining moments or events that have brought these feelings but just a general malaise. I'm sure there are a number of small things that combined create this mode of being. This long winter certainly plays a part, the weariness of the job, having to do budget cuts and knowing how it affects so many and uncertainty about job pursuits have all left me so that I lack motivation, purpose or desire to create change.
This is not my norm I don't believe and it bothers me that I am not my usual upbeat, energetic self. I feel like nothing - there is a general emptiness. There is no reason for me to be living in this pity party. My family is awesome, I just returned from a wonderful trip to Jamaica and I work with wonderful people each day. The blessings certainly add up to much more than nothing. So why this feeling?
I believe I've lost my focus on what is important and have lost my confidence in myself and the belief that God is using me to impact the small world around me. There seems to be nothing I do that matters enough, there seems to be nothing that is satisfying, there seems to be nothing that is good enough. Nothing is an invasive theme. And then I peel away the barriers that I placed there and see something more than nothing.
While in Jamaica I met some incredible kids and had a chance to visit with them. One young lady, Jerissa who is 17 was working her Mom's market place on the beach. Here it was 82 degrees on the beach and she is working for her mom and studying for school. She told me she graduates this year and wants to go to college to be an RN. And then she said, "I want to make my momma proud." I'm sure she lives in a shack the size of our smallest room in our house as most of the natives do and yet she had a light, a smile that could brighten the earth. Now that is someone who knows what nothing is and is able to share something much more than nothing. And I wonder why I can't take that radiance to heart.
My beautiful family continues to make me smile and feel proud to be surrounded by the kind of people they are. The nothing part of me wonders why I have been so blessed as I am not deserving. We have a two wonderful daughters who are more special than any parent could ever desire their children to be. There is so much to be thankful for even if I never left my home. And I wonder why I can't spend more time celebrating the gifts around me.
I have a job in a time when many do not or are struggling to hang on to their jobs, homes and livelihood. It's a job that allows me to be with incredible, dedicated people and best of all kids. This place called school, in spite of what the media says, is a place of immense change and learning. There is no better place for anyone to be. And I wonder why that isn't fulfilling.
Nothing seems to shake me out of this funk but....then I remember. Romans 8 tells me nothing can separate me from the love of God. You see, there are times like this where forgiving myself is almost impossible and loving myself is difficult. Yet my gracious and loving God, He loves me no matter. He meets me where I'm at and carries me through the darkness until I'm living in the light. It really is a Lenten journey through the darkness until we experience the light of Easter. And as much as I believe that nothing my daughters could do would ever make me love them less I know that my love pales in comparison to the love that God has for me, for us, His called and chosen children. I am special because of what He has done and not what I do, no more special than anyone around me and yet just as excitingly loved and special as all of God's children are. His grace is great enough to fill all of my nothingness, it does not go away because of my funk but unceasingly says you are Mine, loved and called to be a servant.
So I cling to that promise, that forgiveness, that grace and no that I am nothing without it but am richly blessed with all that means. I don't pretend to understand these feelings of discontent or inadequacy or like those feelings to be honest. But it is real for me and so I share from my heart, cold as it is in this moment. Maybe you feel the same way at times. I just want you to know - you are loved, forgiven, special and called to be a difference maker. There is NOTHING you can do to separate you from all that God promises and there is NOTHING you cannot do with that power behind you.
This is not my norm I don't believe and it bothers me that I am not my usual upbeat, energetic self. I feel like nothing - there is a general emptiness. There is no reason for me to be living in this pity party. My family is awesome, I just returned from a wonderful trip to Jamaica and I work with wonderful people each day. The blessings certainly add up to much more than nothing. So why this feeling?
I believe I've lost my focus on what is important and have lost my confidence in myself and the belief that God is using me to impact the small world around me. There seems to be nothing I do that matters enough, there seems to be nothing that is satisfying, there seems to be nothing that is good enough. Nothing is an invasive theme. And then I peel away the barriers that I placed there and see something more than nothing.
While in Jamaica I met some incredible kids and had a chance to visit with them. One young lady, Jerissa who is 17 was working her Mom's market place on the beach. Here it was 82 degrees on the beach and she is working for her mom and studying for school. She told me she graduates this year and wants to go to college to be an RN. And then she said, "I want to make my momma proud." I'm sure she lives in a shack the size of our smallest room in our house as most of the natives do and yet she had a light, a smile that could brighten the earth. Now that is someone who knows what nothing is and is able to share something much more than nothing. And I wonder why I can't take that radiance to heart.
My beautiful family continues to make me smile and feel proud to be surrounded by the kind of people they are. The nothing part of me wonders why I have been so blessed as I am not deserving. We have a two wonderful daughters who are more special than any parent could ever desire their children to be. There is so much to be thankful for even if I never left my home. And I wonder why I can't spend more time celebrating the gifts around me.
I have a job in a time when many do not or are struggling to hang on to their jobs, homes and livelihood. It's a job that allows me to be with incredible, dedicated people and best of all kids. This place called school, in spite of what the media says, is a place of immense change and learning. There is no better place for anyone to be. And I wonder why that isn't fulfilling.
Nothing seems to shake me out of this funk but....then I remember. Romans 8 tells me nothing can separate me from the love of God. You see, there are times like this where forgiving myself is almost impossible and loving myself is difficult. Yet my gracious and loving God, He loves me no matter. He meets me where I'm at and carries me through the darkness until I'm living in the light. It really is a Lenten journey through the darkness until we experience the light of Easter. And as much as I believe that nothing my daughters could do would ever make me love them less I know that my love pales in comparison to the love that God has for me, for us, His called and chosen children. I am special because of what He has done and not what I do, no more special than anyone around me and yet just as excitingly loved and special as all of God's children are. His grace is great enough to fill all of my nothingness, it does not go away because of my funk but unceasingly says you are Mine, loved and called to be a servant.
So I cling to that promise, that forgiveness, that grace and no that I am nothing without it but am richly blessed with all that means. I don't pretend to understand these feelings of discontent or inadequacy or like those feelings to be honest. But it is real for me and so I share from my heart, cold as it is in this moment. Maybe you feel the same way at times. I just want you to know - you are loved, forgiven, special and called to be a difference maker. There is NOTHING you can do to separate you from all that God promises and there is NOTHING you cannot do with that power behind you.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Paradox of Life
Paradox of Life
Feeling trapped within these walls
They’re invisible but still
The boundaries surround me
Created by my own will
The beauty of the sunrise
And the wonders of each soul
Do not go without notice
Yet still this cavernous hole
People all around my life
Friends are abundantly found
With all of this I’m lonely
Seeking a fulfilling sound
There are so many answers
Plenty of pathways exist
The journey still continues
All the questions still persist
Feeling trapped within these walls
They’re invisible but still
The boundaries surround me
Created by my own will
The beauty of the sunrise
And the wonders of each soul
Do not go without notice
Yet still this cavernous hole
People all around my life
Friends are abundantly found
With all of this I’m lonely
Seeking a fulfilling sound
There are so many answers
Plenty of pathways exist
The journey still continues
All the questions still persist
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Hope in the Abyss
During this dreary time of the year it seems we are enveloped in a world of hurt. Whether it be in a more global sense with the shooting in Arizona, economic troubles, hunger and homelessness or in a more personal sense. So many people around me are dealing with life situations that hurt to the core of their soul. Marriages that are falling apart, health issues that are life threatening, or someone I care deeply about unexpectedly and tragically losing a significant person in her life are just a few of the life happenstances that have put a cloud over my outlook on life. These things on top of what has been a very stressful time at work has brought a feeling of hopelessness to me at times.
Feeling hopeless, unfulfilled and empty and yet it pales in comparison to the pain those around me feel. I wish I had magic words or actions to fix all these problems but the abyss that this pain exist in is too deep for me to reach alone. So where is the hope for a man who considers himself an optimistic and hopeful person?
I find I must cling, with every ounce of energy I can muster, to the hope promised by my Father. It is easy to keep focused on ourselves and forget that there is a promise of hope that is greater than all the burdens we and those around us face daily. While it doesn't answer why these things happen to those we love, there is a promise, a hope that is bigger than our life on earth. It reaches into the abyss and gives us something to cling to.
Some may say that this hope, faith is a crutch and that may well be true but I am not ashamed to say that I need that crutch. While it is not easy or always understandable I am hopeful for what life will bring for all those with hurt in their hearts. It is limiting God to say that there is no hope and who are we or who am I to put limits on God's love and hope. As we get closer to MLK Day, we will hear the story of someone who could have easily given up, wallowed in hopelessness and been angered by the prejudices that hindered him pursuing his dreams. However, he preached a gospel of hope and peace in the midst of the turmoil that could have squelched all desire to go on.
So I will cling to that hope and trust that He whom I profess my faith in will continue to forgive, share His mercy and grace and be there to help us make a difference for others. I don't pretend to understand all that is going on around me, won't always be able to be the light I'd like to be and will certainly fail at times. I will be forgiven and loved regardless and will hope for peace for all those around me. May the peace, hope and love of our graceful God surround you and comfort you.
Hope fills the afflicted soul with such inward joy and consolation, that it can laugh while tears are in the eye, sigh and sing all in a breath; it is called "the rejoicing of hope" (Hebrews 3:6).
William Gurnall
Online Works
Feeling hopeless, unfulfilled and empty and yet it pales in comparison to the pain those around me feel. I wish I had magic words or actions to fix all these problems but the abyss that this pain exist in is too deep for me to reach alone. So where is the hope for a man who considers himself an optimistic and hopeful person?
I find I must cling, with every ounce of energy I can muster, to the hope promised by my Father. It is easy to keep focused on ourselves and forget that there is a promise of hope that is greater than all the burdens we and those around us face daily. While it doesn't answer why these things happen to those we love, there is a promise, a hope that is bigger than our life on earth. It reaches into the abyss and gives us something to cling to.
Some may say that this hope, faith is a crutch and that may well be true but I am not ashamed to say that I need that crutch. While it is not easy or always understandable I am hopeful for what life will bring for all those with hurt in their hearts. It is limiting God to say that there is no hope and who are we or who am I to put limits on God's love and hope. As we get closer to MLK Day, we will hear the story of someone who could have easily given up, wallowed in hopelessness and been angered by the prejudices that hindered him pursuing his dreams. However, he preached a gospel of hope and peace in the midst of the turmoil that could have squelched all desire to go on.
So I will cling to that hope and trust that He whom I profess my faith in will continue to forgive, share His mercy and grace and be there to help us make a difference for others. I don't pretend to understand all that is going on around me, won't always be able to be the light I'd like to be and will certainly fail at times. I will be forgiven and loved regardless and will hope for peace for all those around me. May the peace, hope and love of our graceful God surround you and comfort you.
Hope fills the afflicted soul with such inward joy and consolation, that it can laugh while tears are in the eye, sigh and sing all in a breath; it is called "the rejoicing of hope" (Hebrews 3:6).
William Gurnall
Online Works
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)