Lately I've been in a sort of funk. Not sure if I can find the right words to define all that is or maybe isn't going on in my heart and mind at this time. There really aren't any defining moments or events that have brought these feelings but just a general malaise. I'm sure there are a number of small things that combined create this mode of being. This long winter certainly plays a part, the weariness of the job, having to do budget cuts and knowing how it affects so many and uncertainty about job pursuits have all left me so that I lack motivation, purpose or desire to create change.
This is not my norm I don't believe and it bothers me that I am not my usual upbeat, energetic self. I feel like nothing - there is a general emptiness. There is no reason for me to be living in this pity party. My family is awesome, I just returned from a wonderful trip to Jamaica and I work with wonderful people each day. The blessings certainly add up to much more than nothing. So why this feeling?
I believe I've lost my focus on what is important and have lost my confidence in myself and the belief that God is using me to impact the small world around me. There seems to be nothing I do that matters enough, there seems to be nothing that is satisfying, there seems to be nothing that is good enough. Nothing is an invasive theme. And then I peel away the barriers that I placed there and see something more than nothing.
While in Jamaica I met some incredible kids and had a chance to visit with them. One young lady, Jerissa who is 17 was working her Mom's market place on the beach. Here it was 82 degrees on the beach and she is working for her mom and studying for school. She told me she graduates this year and wants to go to college to be an RN. And then she said, "I want to make my momma proud." I'm sure she lives in a shack the size of our smallest room in our house as most of the natives do and yet she had a light, a smile that could brighten the earth. Now that is someone who knows what nothing is and is able to share something much more than nothing. And I wonder why I can't take that radiance to heart.
My beautiful family continues to make me smile and feel proud to be surrounded by the kind of people they are. The nothing part of me wonders why I have been so blessed as I am not deserving. We have a two wonderful daughters who are more special than any parent could ever desire their children to be. There is so much to be thankful for even if I never left my home. And I wonder why I can't spend more time celebrating the gifts around me.
I have a job in a time when many do not or are struggling to hang on to their jobs, homes and livelihood. It's a job that allows me to be with incredible, dedicated people and best of all kids. This place called school, in spite of what the media says, is a place of immense change and learning. There is no better place for anyone to be. And I wonder why that isn't fulfilling.
Nothing seems to shake me out of this funk but....then I remember. Romans 8 tells me nothing can separate me from the love of God. You see, there are times like this where forgiving myself is almost impossible and loving myself is difficult. Yet my gracious and loving God, He loves me no matter. He meets me where I'm at and carries me through the darkness until I'm living in the light. It really is a Lenten journey through the darkness until we experience the light of Easter. And as much as I believe that nothing my daughters could do would ever make me love them less I know that my love pales in comparison to the love that God has for me, for us, His called and chosen children. I am special because of what He has done and not what I do, no more special than anyone around me and yet just as excitingly loved and special as all of God's children are. His grace is great enough to fill all of my nothingness, it does not go away because of my funk but unceasingly says you are Mine, loved and called to be a servant.
So I cling to that promise, that forgiveness, that grace and no that I am nothing without it but am richly blessed with all that means. I don't pretend to understand these feelings of discontent or inadequacy or like those feelings to be honest. But it is real for me and so I share from my heart, cold as it is in this moment. Maybe you feel the same way at times. I just want you to know - you are loved, forgiven, special and called to be a difference maker. There is NOTHING you can do to separate you from all that God promises and there is NOTHING you cannot do with that power behind you.
