I have discovered that there are things I can do and things I cannot do. Those things have become far more clear than I ever thought possible. Many people talk about near death experiences. I have had near grace experiences where it is possibly the closest I have come to living and understanding this grace we talk about so freely in church. I'm different now, better, maybe, but different definitely. There is still plenty to sort out but here are the things I can and cannot do in a list:
Cannots
- I cannot begin to answer all the questions.
- I cannot fix all the problems.
- I cannot tell you if the answers are gun control, more guns, more mental healthcare or whatever other sides exist. I believe there is a blend of all of this and it isn't a one size fits all answer.
- I cannot tell you if any of those things will work because we haven't done them.
- I cannot play the blame game any longer.
- I cannot ignore the hurt and hopelessness in those I love and those I serve.
- I cannot guarantee that bad things won't happen here.
- I cannot pretend to understand...well...much of anything any more.
- I cannot limit where God is.
- I cannot know what lies on the other side of this journey.
Cans
- I can listen.
- I can pray. I know the whole "thoughts and prayers" thing is getting crucified in public domains. I will never be the one to question or limit what God can do with prayer. It doesn't mean we don't need to be people of action as well but I have the hope of a God who loves us just as we are.
- I can reassure you that God is very present in all the schools I have served. A day doesn't go by that I don't pray for those around me. To look into the eyes of all these young people each day is the proof that God is very present.
- I can continue to provide near grace experiences to those who hurt. I will love you and together we will get to the other side...whatever that is.
- I can tell you that you can come just as you are, with all your warts.
- I can promise to do all I can to make sure that all are as safe as we can make it.
- I can tell you if my daughters were still school aged I would want them in our school and would feel completely confident they are as safe as we can be but understanding there are no guarantees.
- I can see beyond myself and look into the hearts and eyes of others and recognize their brokenness.
- I can try and provide a glimmer of hope and light within the dark chaos that exists.
- I can see that I can't do it all by myself.
- I can admit that there are cannots on this list.
In the midst of this messy we are living in and that I have experienced, I discovered something rather startling about myself. I've always had a difficult time defining exactly what drives me. What is the inner core of who I am and what I do? Hope. I have discovered that I thrive off of hope for myself and maybe more the ability to give hope to others. When faced with a situation where one I love did not have hope, I was distraught. I floundered and realized this is all I am about. There is family, work, finances, etc. that drive the decisions we make. I have to be driven by hope to survive. Now to figure out where that takes me.
So here I am broken, struggling, tired and worn. I cling to hope somewhere in this fog. I now know there are things I cannot do and there are things I can do. May that be enough. Peace my friends.
