A Superintendent's Diary

It's 4:25 A.M. on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend and here I sit writing my first blog in a very long time.  You see I couldn't sleep because I was ruminating on all that needed to get done at school this next week.  It's funny how you ride a rollercoaster of emotions in this position as superintendent.  I left on Thursday celebrating a good week of workshops and feeling abundantly blessed to be a part of something so special.  Those feelings haven't subsided but now I sit with sometimes overwhelming fear of failure.  So I sent an email to our principals and human resource person because I knew I'd forget what these fears were if I fell asleep again and I'll need their help to overcome these fears.  Now I've brought others into my fear - not sure this is what strong, effective leadership looks like.  The good news is I've grown enough as a leader to let others help.  In the past, I'd take it all on myself.

Why do I do this to myself?  Do other people do the same thing?  What groups of people have I upset or left not feeling as supported as they need?  How can I do my work and keep our board content while keeping my sanity?  Did I mention all the groups of people who do the important work in our school during my short speech?  Were feelings hurt?  Who wasn't there on Tuesday and why?  Will we be ready for our board workshop in a week?  Is our new high school principal supported enough to be successful right now?  Why can't the difficult folks wait a week to stir things up?  What are negotiations going to look and feel like?  Is there anyway to do this without creating friction?  How much do I really control and how much do I want to control?

All these questions and plenty more are present from time to time.  And so, on this morning here I sit pondering and seeking ways to make this the perfect place to work for all.  A lofty, impossible goal but it is what drives me - sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of guilt and sometimes just because it is the right place to be driven.  I do care deeply about doing it right, even in my own quirky way.  I really don't know how to "play superintendent".  I should say I know how but it is not in my genetics or skill set to do it that way.  Over analyzing is my gift and even that last couple of sentences bothered me because they have too many "I's" in them.  This job isn't about me - it's about others.  Yet, all too often I put the focus inward and yet I know when I am best at leading is when I focus outward.

Sharing about my superintendent role is not something I do often with anyone either in written or oral form.  Usually when I come home I'm done with work and it is not a topic of conversation.  I don't let people too far into my professional life as I know the one normal thing I do and can do in this position is reflect a position of neutrality so as not to upset anyone.  (Not sure how to write that aspect of this really but I think we as supers tend proceed cautiously with our words and actions.)  This morning I gave you a little glimpse into the restlessness that exists for me and maybe most of us.  We have lots more questions than answers.  We are bothered more about how things effect people than we let on.  We feel incompetent and insecure more than you know.  (I'm using "we" hoping there are others who feel like I do on this journey!)  We sometimes struggle to understand how we can make a difference like we did as a principal or teacher in this role.

It doesn't happen often but once every so often I have these nights/mornings and I can't get the brain to stop.  My best defense is to write.  Not sure I've ever tried the blog avenue as I usually just email myself but I felt called or compelled to get this rolling again. This particular blog was really more therapeutic for me than it is compelling to readers I am sure.  Thanks for taking the time to look inside the mind of a reflective leader.  I encourage you to go back and read posts from the past as they are far more meaningful than this empty my brain gibberish.