In light of today's tragic events I thought this, my first poem, fit the emotion of the night.

A Child's Chaos by Dave Endicott

In the midst of this chaos

Lies the lonely heart of a searching child,

Whose whole life is all but lost.

A life with so many questions and very little reason

Where have we gone wrong?

Is it the parents? Is it the school?

Is it the child? Is it society?

Does it matter who it is?

The question to be asked is,

"How can I help?"

A young boy that has a house

But the reality is he is homeless.

He feels the need to steal.

A life with no perceived value, only objects to take.

Where have we gone wrong?

Is it the divorce? Is it intelligence?

Is it "the system"? Is it our materialism?

Does it matter what it is?

The questions to be asked is,

"How can I help?"

A young girl who has no self-worth,

She feels so ugly and unloved.

She knows she is different.

A life with nothing in common with peers.

Where have we gone wrong?

Is it the television? Is it the magazines?

Is it her classmates? Is it me?

Does it matter who it is?

The questions to be asked is,

"How can I help?"

A class full of children,

Some are friends, some are strangers.

Each one with gifts, each one with faults.

A life filled with children who grow up too soon.

Have we really gone wrong?

Is it the gifts? Is it the faults?

Is it the child? Is it the adult?

Does it really matter?

HOW CAN I HELP?

In the midst of this chaos

Lies a heart full of love

A child searching for acceptance.

A life with so many questions and all the reason

For me to help....a child.

Unexpectedly

I have had a couple of ideas ruminating in my head for new blog ideas.  This blog is not about any of those ideas.  Never would I have imagined writing about what I'm going to write about today, at least not for another 40 or 50 years.  My wife received a phone call this morning telling us that her cousin Tim Kopka had passed away unexpectedly from a massive heart attack.  To say this was a shock or unexpected would be the largest of understatements one could make.  Tim was in his 40's and had become in recent years a workout fanatic.  But this is not why I write about him today.

I am probably the last person to share about Tim as I know there are 100's and 1000's of others who knew him far better than I ever had the chance.  We probably met in person no more than a handful of times over our lifetime.  Each time we met, there was an instant connection.  There was an understanding, a love of life that we shared in a unique way.  Now as much as I'd like to believe that we had something special in our friendship, I am quite confident that there are many who would say the same thing from their meetings with Tim.  He connected and made you feel valued immediately without judgment or condition.  My experience was not a unique one.  Words can't explain some of the intangible qualities that Tim had but know that his heart for life, family and friends was special and though his life was cut far short of what we expected his impact on people's lives far exceeded that of his short life.

We first met at Heidi and Mark Tooley's wedding if I remember correctly.  Being someone who dreads large group gatherings and celebrations I must admit I went to this event with a poor attitude.  When the weekend ended it was one of the highlight weekends of my life.  Tim and his brother Paul along with the other cousins and various relatives laughed so hard throughout the weekend that my jaws hurt for a week.  This was the beginning of significant sharing, both fun and personal, over the years.  Most of our sharing happened via Facebook or email or an occasional phone call.  I think Tim was one of the two or three people who actually read my blogs when I was a regular writer.  We shared some deep thoughts together over those blogs as we both struggled to find God's calling for our lives and our search was painful at times.  That is probably not how people remember Tim and certainly not Tim and me together.  We laughed - A LOT - when we were together.  I literally could have spent hour upon hour with him and never tired of the humor or the deeper conversations that we shared.

As I stated earlier, I know there are many who knew Tim far better and far longer.  I could go on and on about the laughs and thoughts that were shared though our time was short.  Tim became the first and to this date only investor in our alpaca farm.  We had the chance to come together a few months ago for my father-in-law's funeral (Tim's uncle).  Per our usual times together the conversations flowed easily.  Part of our discussion was about the alpaca farm my wife and I were starting and we even went to visit the critters.  A conversation about being investors in the alpaca farm must have occurred because lo and behold a couple of months later I received a letter with a check in it for $55.  Tim had remembered that our alpacas cost us $5500 and wanted to buy a 1/100th share of our enterprise.  His note was hilarious and he told us to invest it or take Gertraude (mother-in-law for me, aunt for Tim) out for a beer.  I laughed out loud for awhile upon opening this letter drawing the curiosity of my wife.  We talked via phone after that and shared the laughter about this.  That was Tim - he found a way to make us laugh and more importantly he listened and knew exactly what was said.  Tim lived life the way it was meant to be lived - HE LAUGHED OFTEN, LOVED DEEPLY AND SHARED FREELY.

Tim tried many times to get me together with him to go mountain biking and drink beer.  I do neither of these activities but would have just to be able to spend more time with this fine man.  Tim - save a mountain bike ride for me in heaven and I'll even drink a beer with you afterwards.  I can tell you this, I am more ready for heaven now than ever because I know there are many laughs and great conversations waiting.  Heaven just became a more fun reality thanks to God's newest angel. I'm going to go for a bike ride now and then a beer, in memory of Tim.

The Sinner In Me

I am a sinner. I screw up, mess up, make mistakes, make poor choices and sin daily. Every person I have ever met is a sinner also. I have yet to meet a person who does not sin. Oh, some of us make bigger mistakes in the human way of ranking sin. Some sins seem as though they are unforgivable. But the fact is, we are all sinners, period. It seems there are many friends, family members and acquaintances in my life who are struggling deeply with their own sinfulness or the imperfections of those around them. It brings deep hurt, a feeling of trust broken and an uncertainty to what lies ahead that is too much to bear much of the time. When those around me are feeling hurt then I feel that hurt as well.

As I sat at Good Friday services tonight this hurt, sinfulness and uncertainty was prevalent in all my thoughts and prayers. I want to fix it all badly but understand that I need fixing as well. There certainly was a time when I would have spent my time judging and condemning but I now try hard to look at these situations and the people in them with a different lens. Due to my own shortcomings and the pain or hurt I have brought to others over the years I have come to a better understanding, less judgmental view of it all. Now don't get me wrong, I am far from having this gracious view perfected but I do understand that I am a sinner with them. So where do we go with all this pain? Well, as my faith journey has gone through the years I have found I have far more questions than answers but this I am sure of...if we try to do this alone we will fail miserably. I will without apology say that for me it is the limitless love and forgiveness of Jesus that brings me the peace I desire. You see there is nothing I can do to earn this love nor is there anything I can do to make it go away. When I try to do things by my own devices I fall miserably short but nothing...NOTHING...I do will ever separate me from God's love and forgiveness. I don't deserve it, don't really understand why it is there but it is, always, forever, without question, without condition. There are no boundaries to this abundant grace. Even a sinner who fails daily such as myself is loved, forgiven and surrounded by grace daily, hourly, every moment. I don't pretend to understand it but I am overwhelmed by this gift.

To my friends who are amongst those that are hurting right now...it is okay. You have the right to hurt, cry, yell, scream and question. You are surrounded by sinners, all of us qualify. Please know and take it to heart, you are loved - by many friends and family members I know - but more importantly unconditionally by a God who gave all we needed to be forgiven. Lent isn't about our sinfulness but about the hope and promise to come. It is almost Easter and He is risen! He is risen indeed! A friend many years ago described how having a child was the closest we could come to experiencing unconditional love. He said that his friends, family, spouse and co-workers could do something that would end the relationship but he could think of nothing that would sever his love for his child. You are God's child and His love, grace and forgiveness is unconditionally yours. There is nothing you can do...NOTHING...that will take that away. I pray that you may feel that peace that passes all understanding.

The young man who was the acolyte tonight had an altar candle that was being stubborn and was difficult to light. Finally, after much perseverance he got it lit. He raised his fist in celebration of victory and a candle lit. I pray that you will be able to raise a fist in celebration of a fire lit in you as you are surrounded and filled by the gracious love and forgiveness of your Lord.