The struggle of clinging to the promise of hope and the questions of why when it comes to loss was profoundly experienced today. I sat in the hospital today watching as one of our teachers and her kids watched their husband and father slowly die because of cancer. After a year long battle he finally let go and was called home tonight. I hesitate to use that phrase "called home" as it has become somewhat cliche' but for this man and his family they truly believe he was called home. This family's journey has really brought the paradox of the advent season home for me.
I believe in the promise of the advent season, that a baby child will come and change this world and me profoundly. However, I would be lying if I said I don't struggle, question and doubt whether this belief, hope, faith is justified when I see the hurt and tears of a family who just lost their husband and father. Really, no 12, 11 and 5 year old child should have to hug their father as he breathes his last breath. That happened tonight and yet, with all the doubts and questions I saw hope, promise and love.
What I really became struck with was what would this had been like for those kids if there wasn't that promise? I am no Biblical scholar and don't pretend to be a theological expert but I am sure that in this paradox lies the heart of my Christian beliefs. For me, this event depicted all that God has done and promised for me. It was grace in action, and isn't that what Christmas really is? Advent is the promise of this hope to come and then on Christmas we celebrate the fulfillment of that promise. As the tears rolled down my face today I was comforted by knowing I am His, the gift of Christmas, and that makes all the difference.
I strongly disagree with all the naysayers who share their disgust that someone or something is taking Christ out of Christmas. Giving any business, government or person the ability to do that is belittling of the amazing grace and love that this Jesus is. Tonight my faith in all that we proclaim each Sunday was fortified in a moment of loss. It proved that neither cancer, nor government, nor any person can overcome this greatest gift. I still cannot answer why a 34 year old father and husband can die so early in life but I do believe that in the midst of this loss there was promise, there was hope and there was Christ.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Excited and Trapped - the Paradox of Life
Not a lot to say tonight - another crazy day at school. The lack of functional leadership in our district is starting to take its toll on me and the other staff members. Fortunately, our building is the functional piece of the district right now so as long as we stay in our zone - life is good. Unfortunately, there are a number of decisions that ideally need to be made now so that we can effectively plan for next year but that isn't going to happen as we transition to a new superintendent. Oh well, gainfully employed right!
My real thoughts pertain to the decision we made to put our house on the market and to build on the farm that Esther grew up on if it sells. Esther's mom still lives on the farm and it has been in the family for 60 years. The farm has 40 acres (10 acres of woods and the rest pasture) and houses not only my mother-in-law but our two alpacas. We are blessed to have such a beautiful, fun opportunity and for Esther's siblings being so supportive of our dream. We are also blessed because we have a wonderful home now and if it doesn't sell we are still home.
It has been quite entertaining to hear the brainstorming going on about what could go on at the farm. Certainly the Serenity Now Alpaca Farm, LLC will grow and provide some entrepreneurial opportunities. Esther will hopefully someday be able to just stay at the farm and do her crafty things. My dream involves starting a camp for autistic children using the alpacas as therapy animals. The wonderful Special Ed staff at school is volunteering to help get this idea off the ground and staff it for some summer campers. And if all goes well, maybe we can start selling alpacas and this old fart can retire early! The brothers-in-law named Mark have suggested a vineyard and vodka distillery. (Esther's maiden name is Kopka so it would be Kopka Vodka...Ha!) I'm sure the ideas will continue to grow as time goes on.
I am certainly excited about all the possibilities and to see Esther and her mom so excited about this dream is worth its weight in gold (or in our case alpaca poop). I would be lying, however, if I didn't admit that this free bird has a little bit of a feeling of being trapped. Again, don't get me wrong, not something that keeps me up at night or keeps me from eating. (Far from it!) Just that little thought about what this means for the long haul. As I discussed last night I am always searching for that call that is all that I dream of and completely uses the gifts I've been so freely given. Does this move mean the end to that search for this call? I don't believe so but a thought that crosses my mind. It's the right thing to do and that I have no doubt about that. As usual my problem is there are so many things I still want to do. Most folks think I've done it all by now and are amazed at the experiences we have gone through in our lives. I always seem to have this constant yearning for more...not materially or in any tangible measure of success but through experiences and relationships. There is so much more of this world to explore and learn from right?!
All that being said, I need to be still and know that He is God. Listen, listen some more and when I feel like moving things my way...listen some more. So off we go to a new adventure. Since we are in no hurry to sell our house, it will of course sell in 3 days! Hopefully it warms up soon so we can live in the camper. Feel free to respond with other ideas for how we can turn this farm into a place of dreams and life changing opportunities.
My real thoughts pertain to the decision we made to put our house on the market and to build on the farm that Esther grew up on if it sells. Esther's mom still lives on the farm and it has been in the family for 60 years. The farm has 40 acres (10 acres of woods and the rest pasture) and houses not only my mother-in-law but our two alpacas. We are blessed to have such a beautiful, fun opportunity and for Esther's siblings being so supportive of our dream. We are also blessed because we have a wonderful home now and if it doesn't sell we are still home.
It has been quite entertaining to hear the brainstorming going on about what could go on at the farm. Certainly the Serenity Now Alpaca Farm, LLC will grow and provide some entrepreneurial opportunities. Esther will hopefully someday be able to just stay at the farm and do her crafty things. My dream involves starting a camp for autistic children using the alpacas as therapy animals. The wonderful Special Ed staff at school is volunteering to help get this idea off the ground and staff it for some summer campers. And if all goes well, maybe we can start selling alpacas and this old fart can retire early! The brothers-in-law named Mark have suggested a vineyard and vodka distillery. (Esther's maiden name is Kopka so it would be Kopka Vodka...Ha!) I'm sure the ideas will continue to grow as time goes on.
I am certainly excited about all the possibilities and to see Esther and her mom so excited about this dream is worth its weight in gold (or in our case alpaca poop). I would be lying, however, if I didn't admit that this free bird has a little bit of a feeling of being trapped. Again, don't get me wrong, not something that keeps me up at night or keeps me from eating. (Far from it!) Just that little thought about what this means for the long haul. As I discussed last night I am always searching for that call that is all that I dream of and completely uses the gifts I've been so freely given. Does this move mean the end to that search for this call? I don't believe so but a thought that crosses my mind. It's the right thing to do and that I have no doubt about that. As usual my problem is there are so many things I still want to do. Most folks think I've done it all by now and are amazed at the experiences we have gone through in our lives. I always seem to have this constant yearning for more...not materially or in any tangible measure of success but through experiences and relationships. There is so much more of this world to explore and learn from right?!
All that being said, I need to be still and know that He is God. Listen, listen some more and when I feel like moving things my way...listen some more. So off we go to a new adventure. Since we are in no hurry to sell our house, it will of course sell in 3 days! Hopefully it warms up soon so we can live in the camper. Feel free to respond with other ideas for how we can turn this farm into a place of dreams and life changing opportunities.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Purposeful, Passionate, Perplexed and Failed Perfection
This is going to be the first of what I hope will be many daily reflections. My hope is to share as openly and honestly as I can about the thoughts, events and contemplations of each day. More than likely this will be more therapeutic for me than meaningful for both of my readers.
Today was a continuation of what has been a long few days at school. It seems we have more families, parents and students who are dealing with stress in their lives and using the school as the place to release those stresses. I am a people pleaser by nature and it bothers me that their could be parents who are not happy with me or the teachers and staff at our school. I totally support any parents right to advocate for their child and always tell them to never apologize for being that advocate. Sometimes their perspective doesn't match with the reality we see in school and that makes for some difficult conversations. We almost always end in a positive place with a good understanding that we all want what is best for their child. To be honest, I have been very blessed here and have had very few if any times where the wheels seemed to be coming off the bus. It feels like we are closing in on a wheels off the bus moment and I don't like that feeling at all.
All of this leads me to my annual, monthly, weekly, daily, hourly evaluation of who am I called to be and where can I make the most impact. I don't mean this as a way to seek fame or power but truly how can I use the gifts that God has given me in the most meaningful way. Now don't get worried about this or take this as a hint that I'm leaving education or my current job. That is not the case. I find that I am always curious and intrigued by so many facets of life and want to experience them all. I used to think I was trying to find my calling and now have come to realize I am really seeking to figure out what is not my calling. Seems like a subtle difference but it is huge in how I deal with days like today. Instead of looking for ways out...I look for ways to make this better.
The title of this blog kind of encompasses it all for me...I want to be doing something purposeful and that I am passionate about. (That can be anything from homelessness to BBQ!) I get perplexed by where is the best place for me to live a purposeful, passionate life. Not really thinking geographically but more in a soul searching sense. Through all of this I find that I am not a good perfectionist. I am a perfectionist in many ways but I hide it pretty well because I don't handle failure well. This failed perfection is still my biggest block to becoming all that God has in store for me. My sinful self-pride and ego doesn't let me be real very often if I am totally honest. I have learned to play the game well but struggle to find that place or those people that I can really become completely real...zits and all. This struggle does not make me unhappy but it may be quite the understatement to say I am often restless.
I'm not really seeking an answer from others...I think the answers come as part of this wonderful journey I'm on and the unspoken prayers that go through my heart and head each day. As I've told many when I found out I did not get the superintendent position here, while I was disappointed I am abundantly blessed. That is so completely true it cannot be overstated. I get that, I am thankful for so much and yet, Dave Endicott, always is reflective and wondering who he is and what he can do to feel fulfilled. This journey to be purposeful and passionate will mean a lifetime of perplexity I believe.
Today was a continuation of what has been a long few days at school. It seems we have more families, parents and students who are dealing with stress in their lives and using the school as the place to release those stresses. I am a people pleaser by nature and it bothers me that their could be parents who are not happy with me or the teachers and staff at our school. I totally support any parents right to advocate for their child and always tell them to never apologize for being that advocate. Sometimes their perspective doesn't match with the reality we see in school and that makes for some difficult conversations. We almost always end in a positive place with a good understanding that we all want what is best for their child. To be honest, I have been very blessed here and have had very few if any times where the wheels seemed to be coming off the bus. It feels like we are closing in on a wheels off the bus moment and I don't like that feeling at all.
All of this leads me to my annual, monthly, weekly, daily, hourly evaluation of who am I called to be and where can I make the most impact. I don't mean this as a way to seek fame or power but truly how can I use the gifts that God has given me in the most meaningful way. Now don't get worried about this or take this as a hint that I'm leaving education or my current job. That is not the case. I find that I am always curious and intrigued by so many facets of life and want to experience them all. I used to think I was trying to find my calling and now have come to realize I am really seeking to figure out what is not my calling. Seems like a subtle difference but it is huge in how I deal with days like today. Instead of looking for ways out...I look for ways to make this better.
The title of this blog kind of encompasses it all for me...I want to be doing something purposeful and that I am passionate about. (That can be anything from homelessness to BBQ!) I get perplexed by where is the best place for me to live a purposeful, passionate life. Not really thinking geographically but more in a soul searching sense. Through all of this I find that I am not a good perfectionist. I am a perfectionist in many ways but I hide it pretty well because I don't handle failure well. This failed perfection is still my biggest block to becoming all that God has in store for me. My sinful self-pride and ego doesn't let me be real very often if I am totally honest. I have learned to play the game well but struggle to find that place or those people that I can really become completely real...zits and all. This struggle does not make me unhappy but it may be quite the understatement to say I am often restless.
I'm not really seeking an answer from others...I think the answers come as part of this wonderful journey I'm on and the unspoken prayers that go through my heart and head each day. As I've told many when I found out I did not get the superintendent position here, while I was disappointed I am abundantly blessed. That is so completely true it cannot be overstated. I get that, I am thankful for so much and yet, Dave Endicott, always is reflective and wondering who he is and what he can do to feel fulfilled. This journey to be purposeful and passionate will mean a lifetime of perplexity I believe.
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