Connected or Disconnected

It's been a while since I've blogged and I feel like it is time to get going again.  This blog and the thoughts behind being connected or disconnected have been tugging at my heart for a long time now.  I'm usually pretty cautious about opening up and sharing some of my personal vulnerabilities but I think the thoughts that have been percolating need to make it to "paper".My job requires me to be politically, spiritually and personally neutral to a degree.  Since there are folks who follow my Facebook posts that are connected (there is that word) to my workplace I tend to live in a safe zone.  Well, it's time to step out on the ledge a bit.  Since it is the season of Lent (one of my favorite church seasons) this seems to be a good time to do some self-reflection.

I believe one of the main reasons it has been so long since my last blog is because of this feeling of being disconnected.  Disconnected from my writing, from reading, from friends, from work and from church has been my state of being for longer than I can remember. Don't get me wrong, I like all of those things but for some reason I have felt this lack of connection to many of my passions in life.  Some may think this is a sign of depression but I don't think that is it. I've discovered that being disconnected does not mean being removed.

Writing is still something I enjoy doing but the ideas and thoughts that make a blog or a poem meaningful have been few and far between.  I hope this blog today triggers those emotional connections that make writing important and worthwhile.  While writing is therapeutic for me, I also need it to be meaningful for others. This hope of making a positive difference and connecting with others is what drives me when the words start flowing.

There have been times in life when reading has reshaped my thoughts, my actions and deepened my understanding of others and of my faith.  The ability to focus and get lost in a story has been absent for too long.  Reading has been a priority for me as a parent and teacher and yet I am not connected to reading myself right now.

I am blessed with wonderful friends and yet I find myself not knowing how to be a good friend or knowing how to connect with those important people in my life.  They have done nothing wrong.  I crave that deep relationship, those life searching conversations and those moments of laughter.  But how do you do that? I don't know any more.

Work is going well and I enjoy the people I work with each day.  However, the passion to make a difference is not consistently there.  Wondering if this is my calling and if I'm impacting lives the way I should is a constant state of mind.  Are the abundant gifts God has given me really being used to impact this world as I know they could?

The same can be said for our church.  I like it there but feel no connection.  This hurts to be honest and I have no one to blame but myself.  I still believe, my faith is intact but the burning passion and questioning that God has used to drive me deeper into this faith journey has been waning.  It leaves me wondering what the barriers are that keep me from being enveloped in the connection that I know should exist.

So where does this leave me?  Well, I heard it in Pastor Andy's sermon tonight.  Sometimes we go blind and don't see that the connections have been there all along.  I realize when I take a young child to the food shelf we started at our school that my heart is beating with the love of Christ as our learning community has stepped up to feed the hungry.  When a student comes to our alpaca farm to help with chores and you see the light in their eyes then I find that connection to the joys of a young child.  Joy was the magic word in the sermon tonight and I need to find those places and people that connect me to that joy.  I am far from knowing the all the answers.  I still question and wonder.  I am abundantly blessed. I am loved.  Grace will overcome.  I pray I will take to heart that this is enough.